I am Hans

Parental misalignment

My purpose is to build a strong body and a disciplined life, to live visibly and truthfully, and to become a reference point for others who are searching for strength and direction.

My parents do not support me on the mission and purpose and hence do not meet me at the level of authenticity, self-direction that I require.

Distinctive needs I need to separate:

What needs CANNOT be met:

- validation of my identity

- emotional safety for my authentic self

- encouragement for my path

- mutual understanding

What needs CAN be met:

- basic civility

- limited contact

- practical cooperation

- logistical connection

How to move forward

- Stop seeking permission

Instead of "Will they approve?" Think, "Is this aligned with who I am becoming?"

Approval for growth is no longer necessary

- Reduce expectations

Share less, Explain less, Defend nothing, Redirect conversations

Full access is only for people who value it

- Create chosen reinforcement

Partner, gym bros, friends, work mates

Build environments that reinforce, not undermine

- Reframe what filial means

Not about obedience, self-erasure, quiet resentfulness

Its about stability, independence, respect without submission, distance

Masculinity and Body Hair Growth

Biological Masculinity

Muscle mass (improved protein synthesis)
Body fat distribution (improved insulin sensitivity and fat oxidation metabolism)
Deeper voice
Facial and body hair
Libido (improved desire, erections)
Hemoglobin oxygen capacity

Behavioral Masculinity

Leadership
Risk-taking
Assertiveness
Stoicism
Competitiveness
Confidence

Body Hair Routine

- Topical Minoxidil 1ml twice a day

- Oral Minoxidil 20mg once a day

- Derma Rolling (once a week 0.5 mm)

- Head massage (3-5 minutes daily)

- Supplements

Biotin 2.5-5 mg/day

Zinc 25-40 mg/day

Magnesium 300-400 mg/day

Vitamin D3 2000-5000 IU/day

Omega-3 2-3 g/day

Updates on my upped cycle

I started on the TRT+ cycle (250mg 11 weeks, 300mg 8 weeks, 350mg 8 weeks, 400mg 8 weeks, 450mg 8 weeks, 500mg 8 weeks), and right now I've just begun on the 250mg first phase.

Its not been 2 weeks and side effects start to flare up.

Firsly, its the acne on my phase its escalated and I used tretinoin hoping it will clear up, it did clear up but my face started to peel really badly.

Secondly, my chest suddenly had a profileration of bumpy pores, and I have no idea whether its acne or heat rash. Pray hard that it is heat rash so it will go away soon but it has been a full week the rash is still there. I went to PURE fitness last week and used their dry fit attire and their sauna room for 15min daily and I'm thinking that might have caused the heat rash to appear. What might be worse is if its fungal acne then it will not go away on its own. The rash area is so itchy I kept scratching it and went to apply tretinoin on my chest area too which kinda made it worse.

Thirdly, my lower back has been taking a toll from squats. Now I cannot even squat any longer because for three consecutive mondays on squats legs day, I got a sudden onset of sharp pain on one of the last few reps while squatting 100kg (which is my normal weight). This week upon trying to squat again, the pain hit on the 6th rep and I knew I will not be squatting for some time. Laying on bed, sitting on sofa, walking around all makes me feel the pain in that area on my lower back. I hope its not a herniated disc and just a mild sprain.

Current other symptoms:

Muscle Mass - 4/5 workouts 7x a week, muscles been gaining well, weight at 92kg currently

Body Fat - 4.5/5 metabolism has increased, feel warm regularly, belly and FUPA much leaner

Libido - 2/5 inconsistent urge, sudden horniness for a week, and loses urge for a week, might need to try nofap, noporn. Some days ejaculation feels fantastic, sometimes it feels blank

Erections - 2/5 inconsistent morning wood, sexual erections irregular

Sleep Quality - 1/5 short sleeps and unconsciously have many wake up interruptions

Sleep Apnea - 3/5 good usage, getting better with adjustment, apnea remain low when used

Blood Markers - 4/5 blood test results show good liver/kidney/cancer/RBC results but cholesterol has remained bad

Feeling good again

I got out of the rut.

I have no idea how it started but looks like the DIM200 supplement did play a part.

When I was feeling down, everything in my head was overwhelming me and making me feel heavy. Now I understand how a mental struggle feels. The external stressors around me have been the same, but my outlook toward the problem feels different. I think it has alot to do with hormones and chemicals in the body affecting how I perceive the stressors.

Past month, when I woke up, I would immediately feel shitty like the world was a dark place and I wanted to escape.

But all of a sudden this week, I feel a joyful glee when starting my day and going to the gym, heading to work, all while the stresses have not changed at all.

I think, all we can do is be grateful and appreciate each moment. Who knows what might happen next.

Sidenote, I am starting on a TRT+ cycle following Levi Conely's dosage for 50+ weeks. Hope it will help me bulk up to my much desired goal of 100kg (having been stuck at 90kg for the past forever).

I've also got to deal with the blood pressure issue. Just saw an article of a sports athlete who died from kidney failure and I realised the importance of keeping BP to below 130/80. Gonna start measuring my BP more proactively.

I think I need help with everything falling apart

I feel a sense of emptiness from anhedonia like nothing gives me joy. All areas of my life are crumbling and I am wondering is it one cause or multiple causes.

Work - after other tasks are completed, now I have to deal with the Anti-Counterfeit project which has been something I don't enjoy and been putting aside all these while but now that I have nothing else to fall back on, its made me more anxious about dealing with this project. I think its the fear of not doing well enough given that theres so much emphasis placed on the launch of it, and I feel lonely handling this project alone getting sandwiched in the center between vendor and supplier. I also have some hesitance to work on this because it brings back my past trauma of working with Fitson which is no the supplier of Hegen because Fitson is my dad's company and I do not have any joy working with him when I do not have a good relationship with him.

Family - its been a difficult situation all these while, with my emotions being up and down with regards to this. Through my life I have never felt loved by my father, and my mother doesn't resolve the feelings I have either. I wished we had conversations that are not about work, not about asking me to do house maintenance matters, or asking me to settle his problems. When we have a littlest of conversations, he would talk about politics, war and scams in the world, and it makes me feel really negatively when I get any conversation with him, which is why I have been avoiding and thats made me feel neglected.

Partner - my relationship with Kenneth has been strained because of the lack of sex life together. I enjoy the emotional companionship but he sees it more as best friends who don't have sex. Our relationship is open and we meet others which has been me less sexually active with him. On another hand, I have been feeling unhappy about how he has never been supporting my attempts to try out new things, and it put out a fire in me. I wanted to grow long hair, to dye my hair blond, to try setting up a gay underwear business, to start a youtube channel but I don't feel supported for it, and the first feedback from him were usually negative, that I should not do it or should not try it because not everything in life needs to be tried. It goes against my principles because I feel that I want to try everything once in life at least before I know I like it or not. It has made me feel jaded at this point because I no longer have that fire to try.

Health and Finances - lately I have spent alot of money on health checkups for my sleep apnea and consultations, buying a CPAP machine and doing HPV vaccinations and these have added up the financial costs significantly. I have asked my mom to assist with the costs but there was no response. I do have savings in investments but its something I do not want to touch because I went through a slippery slope in Covid period when i took out money from investments and started spending and quickly all my money just flowed away, but now my spending has been exceeding my monthly income so I feel worried. I wonder how do people have savings when I cannot even seem to save each month when my expenses exceed income.

Friends - I've been feeling lonely even though I do have friends. I feel that nobody ever reaches out wanting to meet me but I have to be the one asking people if they want to hangout. The lack of interest often makes me feel rejected and lonelier. Its funny because when I do not try to reach out to anyone and just be happy by myself, I do not feel lonely. But when I am trying to meet friends and get rejected, or even when I am hanging out with friends and do not feel prioritised, I feel lonelier than when I am alone. Its like when I am down nobody really wants to hangout with me.

Fitness - this is the only area I feel that I have some control over, as I recently revamped my workout routine from 4 days Bro Splits to 6 days Chris Bumstead's workout. Its not easy keeping up with the more days of workouts but it has also balanced the workload for each day, hence I feel that it is easier to accomplish the workouts. I feel more motivated pushing myself at the gym and I look forward to go to the gym because its my place of solitude.

I want to get out of this rut but I do not know how to. It feels like a bubble burst last week and all of a sudden I become joyless. Before that I was still okay, fending off the negative emotions but now its like I no longer have the energy to feel good and I want to leave and quit and I'm stuck.

Feeling like quitting

Relationship and Work

Both areas where I am not feeling too well

Relationship side of things, I don't feel that I can be truly myself. Over the past months I have been feeling unsupported and restricted in ways that I want to explore or try. I tried growing a beard / more body hair / ideas for business / ideas for side hustles / growing out my hair / try out new styles, and it has generally always been negative at the first sharing of my thoughts. Sometimes I feel that I am not heard because it will become filler conversations and change of topic. I know his work is busy, his work is purposeful and he has a clear idea of what he wants, and hence has a fixed preference of what he wants out of a partner. In that sense, I feel like I am incompatible because I have to compromise my aspirations or behaviour to suit what he prefers and thats just not being myself. My happiness is being hindered. I spent an evening hanging out with a friend recently and it felt so healing because we understand each other's aspiration for bodybuilding and interest to try new things.

Work side of things, I feel tired of doing the same thing again and again. I am no longer venturing on developing new systems but handling operational work which is boring down on my career satisfaction. Furthermore, I am handling on projects that I have to deal with Fitson (links to my father) which makes me not enjoy this job. What was once a joy to handle new projects now feels like a chore and I look forward to head to the gym each day, cant wait to leave work as time passes. Past few days the thought of quitting has been spiralling I want to take a change, though I'm not sure if its just a sudden feeling or something that would recur again. Hope to ride through this peak week else maybe something greater will happen.

I need to revamp myself

Its been 2 weeks of non-training and I've been sluggish (1 week of vacation and 1 week of getting diarrhoea food poisoning).

Well thinking of it I have gotten sluggish several months ago when I lost the motivation to be on a high for workouts and socialising. I've become more of a recluse, playing mobile games at home all the time and putting gym on the sidelines.

I have to revamp myself and get back on the fiery streak I have been on at the start of the year when I went on a cycle. Bodybuilding, health, and wellness.

Below are some areas I will have to focus on:

- Sustenance (Diet): Whole Foods

Whole foods,

High-carb: Brown rice, whole grains

High-protein: Lean meat, fish, eggs, dairy

High-fat: Avocado, nuts, seeds

- Sleep (Rest)

CPAP machine to improve sleep quality

Use a nasal pillow mask for comfortable sleep

Sleep 8 hours nightly minimum

- Strength (Hypertrophy Training)

6 days on 1 day off training split,

Day 1: Quad and Calves

Smith Squat 3 x 10-12 (90kg)

Single Leg Press 3 x 10-12 (100kg)

Leg Extension 3 x 10-12 (70kg)

Dumbbell Bulgarian Split Squat 3 x 10-12 (20kg)

Standing Calf Raises 3 x 10-12 (27.5kg)

Day 2: Chest and Triceps

Bench Press 3 x 10-12 (110kg)

Incline Bench Press 3 x 10-12 (100kg)

Dumbbell Flye 3 x 10-12 (20kg)

Seated Dumbbell Triceps Extension 3 x 10-12 (30kg)

Pushups 3 x Failure

Day 3: Back and Biceps

Lat Pulldowns 3 x 10-12 (85kg)

Seated Cable Rows 3 x 10-12 (90kg)

Bent Over Bench Dumbbell Rows 3 x 10-12 (32.5kg)

Lat Pressdown 3.x 10-12 (45kg)

Standing EZ Bar Curl 3 x 10-12 (45kg)

Day 4: Shoulders

Military Barbell Press 3 x 10-12 (65kg)

Dumbbell Shoulder Press 3 x 10-12 (35kg)

Dumbbell Lateral Raises 3 x 10-12 (22.5kg)

Machine Pec Deck Fly 3 x 10-12 (60kg)

Reverse Pec Deck Fly 3 x 10-12 (48kg)

Day 5: Hamstring and Back

Hamstring Curl 3 x 10-12 (60kg)

Dumbbell Stiff Leg Deadlift 3 x 10-12 (30kg)

Dumbbell Good Morning 3 x 10-12 (30kg)

Lat Pulldown 3 x 10-12 (85kg)

Lat Pressdown 3 x 10-12 (40kg)

Day 6: Arms

Tricep Bar Extensions 3 x 10-12 (45kg)

Seated Dumbbell Tricep Extension 3 x 10-12 (30kg)

Dumbbell Bicep Curl 3 x 10-12 (22.5kg)

Standing EZ Bar Curl 3 x 10-12 (45kg)

Triceps Bar Extension 3 x 10-12 (45kg)

Hammer Bicep Curl 3 x 10-12 (22.5kg)

Day 7: Rest and Abs

Ab Crunches 3 x 10

Jack Knives 3 x 10

Russian Twists 3 x 10

- Shred (Cardiovascular Training)

Twice Daily Cardio

Morning: Brisk Walk / Stair Master 25 minutes

Evening: Brisk Walk / Stair Master 25 minutes

- Supplementation (Micronutrient Support)

Whey Protein

Creatine

Fish Oil

Multivitamin

CoQ10

- Steroids (Hormonal Support)

Testosterone,

Year-Round: 150mg per week

Bi-annual: 300mg per week for 16 weeks

- Sunlight

Get daily sunlight exposure early in the day

- Social

Make more friends

Join social groups

- Sexual

- Skincare

It almost happened

Few days ago I guess the lack of sex triggered Kenneth to explode in his desperation for not having sex in this relationship after I mentioned that I have been masturbating alot while alone. This was after us having a Australia road trip for 10 days together not having done anything sexual together. It was tough because on a roadtrip its constantly on the move, I get tired and the logistics of locations may not be suitable so I was not so in the mood but I guess that was a big trigger for Kenneth already and then we returned to Singapore he was already showing signs of neglect. After the big explostion, we subsequently had a chat the next evening and started to question the continuity of the relationship. Have I been an opportunity cost? I think the thought of breaking up has been on the horizon and its starting to weigh down on Kenneth.

To me, romance is not about the sex but the emotional love for each other, being by each other and caring for one another. To Kenneth, this simply feels like best friends spending time together and the lack of sex is the differentiation of a friend from a lover. However, for me, love is more about an emotional one and sex is optional as I see sex as more of a urge to get done and rid away once in awhile when we have hookups with others. Perhaps my mentality of sex needs to change and more intimacy needs to be given to Kenneth.

Frustration in my relationship

So its happening again, now he is having issue with me growing out my hair into a tied up manbun. The last time it was me dyeing my hair blonde.

This feeling of control over what I can do for myself is really putting a toll on me and I am rethinking of even wanting to be in a relationship. What am I in a relationship for? To support one another to bring out the best and support one another in what we like. Right now, I feel that I have to satisfy what he prefers is right. This is the reason why I do not share information with him transparently all the time.

I told him I will be meeting guys I met from the pool party for dinner and he got somewhat upset about it by bringing up about how he felt during the pool party when those guys were not reciprocating attention to him. However, before I brought up this whole dinner thing, he has repeatedly told me he was fine with it.

Today at the gym as I changed back into my used gym attire, I got reminded again about how he would repeatedly command me to shower and/or wash my hands with soap after the gym, and it was a sense of liberation as I just changed back into what I felt convenient and went home to shower instead.

Why is something as seemingly trivial as my haircut or hair colour such a big issue for him and in turn a trigger for me when he remarks to ask me when would I be cutting off my long hair. Its like I don't feel loved and supported, and I feel that I do not impose such things on him.

Its been coming up time and again and the thought of just breaking up and being by myself has been growing stronger and stronger even though in front of him I have been telling him that I love him.

What am I willing to give in?

He tells me that what I do with my hairstyle is not just a me decision but an us decision because I am in a relatiosnhip. This just makes me want to be single all the more. Because I feel like I do not have my own space and my own freedom to look how I want. As simple as that.

New badminton group

Joined my friends for badminton yesterday and it was a great experience. Its been awhile hanging out in a social activity setting and I gotta try and get my social skills up and running again. Idk but the feeling of joining a rather new group of people in an activit feels kinda intimidating especially when there's all the banter, and I don't wanna seem standoffish by being quiet and in a corner so I participate and laugh and smile but then sometimes I become part of the banter then I don't know how to hit back at the conversation. Its just something I gotta learn and do better I guess but all this aside the badminton event was nice, given its a bunch of us gays playing badminton so its a healthy social activity. Really look forward to making it a regular one for myself since its good to keep myself active with a sport on top of my routine muscle building and fitness training in the gym alone. I met a past date whom now looks to have glowed up and living his best life, so I feel really happy for him and we even played as badminton match partners. Its a nice feeling that even though life went separate ways but somehow as you meet again, that person looks to have even more charisma now and it makes them so attractive, but not in the I wanna fuck him kinda way. Its nice to see people leveling up after 5 years, having seen their former selves. Anyway, times are pretty good lately, just life going by and nothing fancy. I wanna fix my sleep issue because thats the main problem I'm facing currently as I am unable to sleep well, and I get really tired during the middle of the day and at night I become wide awake for some reason. Scheduled a sleep study test in two weeks time so thats good. And I'm heading to China this weekend for a work trip so looking forward to that too!