Libido is gone

I switched to daily injections because I read that its better to reduce fluctuations by making more frequent injections of lower dose.

My current dosage is 0.1ml per day = 25mg test per day (175mg per week)

Previously when I was doing twice a week injections at 175mg week total, I felt really good but yet now when I lowered it down to daily injections, I feel like my urge for sex and strength of erections is at its ultimate low.

Without blood test I will not be able to identify what the root cause is but I am guessing that the change from twice weekly injections (250mg total weekly) down to daily injections (175mg total weekly) has resulted in my testosterone levels plummeting to a lower level and estradiol still taking some time before it comes down.

I am going to observe for a few more weeks and hope that my primal urge comes back.

I was so into topping previously but now with the lack of erections and libido, I find that I switched my mindset to a more bottom mentality where being the passive receiver feels 'easier'. 

Back when I was hornier, topping interested me more because the breeder mindset gave me a much stronger urge to fuck, while there was no urge to bottom because it felt 'uncomfortable'.

Hopefully things change and I'll get back my primal mode soon.

Year in Review 2025-2026

A time for reflecting, resetting and realigning for the upcoming year.

Reflecting on the past year

1. What worked for me

• What habits made me feel strong, grounded and proud?
• Staying consistent with my bodybuilding routine kept me confident in myself. I feel proud to have completed the Hyrox competition even though it was difficult for my weight level. For bodybuilding, I was really proud that I changed up my routine from 4x to 6x per week (Cbum routine) to give myself a newfound motivation to go to the gym. The entire regimen of training, diet, supplementation, and testosterone has enabled me to maintain my bodybuilding goal. Next year is when I have to lock in and bring my physique to the next level.

• When did I feel most like myself?
• Being true to my authentic self, being uniquely me, not conforming to other people's expectations. I grew out my hair into a manbun-ish hairstyle just to try something new, and I feel happy that I attempted it. Growing out a beard and body hair because that makes me feel true to who I am, instead of fitting in to others' perception of what looking good means to them, I chose to stick with what makes me feel good about myself.

• Which relationships gave me energy instead of draining it?
• This might have been a tumultuous year with Kenneth, but I am glad that we came out of it stronger than before. There are some issues with the sexual needs part of the equation, but I think effort from my end does help a little, although it's something I hope to meet on his end in the upcoming year as well. This year's milestone of engagement means a lot to me because it demarcates an invested relationship with Kenneth. He chose to stay, and I chose him for the long-term. We're in this together

• What decisions brought long-term peace, and not just short-term relief?
• Letting go of my ego and taking a step back to reassess myself, how I react to situations. It could be the testosterone working its way in growing my stoic self but I think concurrently I have also learnt to better regulate my emotions by protecting myself from emotional turmoil from things I cannot change. I've learnt to stick to what is in my control - my mind, my soul, my body. This has helped me stay guarded from unnecessary emotional disruptions from family and friends.

Top 5 things I must protect in 2026

    - My drive for bodybuilding and training consistency

    - Clear emotional boundaries with family

    - Choosing depth in content creation over social noise

    - Being honest about who I am with others

    - Giving energy to the right people

2. What did not work

In 2025, I stayed too long in _a project that I don't enjoy as I felt that it was not fulfilling to me and does not give me the sense of job satisfaction_

I avoided __communication with family _ because I was afraid of __rejection and lack of reciprocation but a lot of it was built in my head but not the real outcome__

Trying to be _fitted into the mold of what my partner wanted me to be like shaving off my beard and cutting off my long hair _ cost me __my sense of identity and self___

3. Identity reset: Who am I becoming?

- Who am I no longer to be?

• In 2026, I am a man who chooses courage over comfort, not to take the easy path but the path that is driven by my inner purpose, to bring to this world my potential as a bodybuilder and in fitness through hypertrophy and aesthetics as a gay man

- What traits define the next version of me?

• I honour my body as a temple, nurturing my soul through fitness and wellness to enlighten the people around me with health and positivity.

- What does my future self never tolerate again?

• I will never tolerate comfort and hiding, but to only speak truth and do what is uncomfortable to grow

4. 4-Pillar Life Audit

Score for each from 1-10 at this EOY2025 moment and why:

Mental/Emotional

- Emotional Regulation (8) I feel stable emotionally and excited to embark on the new years journey ahead. My hormone replacement therapy (testosterone) has led to wavering mood (sometimes very down, sometimes very well) but I think I have come to a good constant point at this end of year where I feel good with myself

- Self-respect (5) I know I can do better, and there's so much of me that I did not put on from the start of the year until now. I feel that most of the year I was drifting and not really giving my all. 

- Inner peace (6) Having had struggles with family and relationship through this year, it was a year of learning and growth, and I am confident that next year I will soar to a greater height

Physical

- Strength and Physique (7) I am proud that I managed to stay committed throughout most of the year but I feel that I could have given more intention and purposeful routine to achieve my physique goal

- Health and Recovery (5) My health was not the best this year as I fell ill and got injured numerous times throughout the year, I would take care of myself more next year knowing that I am prone to certain injuries

- Energy levels (5) I know I can give more of my energy to the work that I do, be it for bodybuilding or work and have good faith that it I lock in and give my best, I can achieve much more physically

Love and Connection

- Romantic relationship (8) With intimacy having its up and downs in the middle of the year, the year ended well with us completing our engagement photoshoot proper and our love for each other felt all the stronger. However, next year will be integral of me to put in more effort to Kenneth feeling loved

- Friendships (7) This year I have made a new friend group and redirected my attention from previous old school friends to a new set of friendships. I think this has showed me that nothing is everlasting and its time to invest in a new chapter of friendships who are aligned in my phase of life.

- Family boundaries (7) I would say that I ended this year on a cordial note with family, as there were many occasions where I was unhappy and there was no communication to be had but I think what matters is that I have set a healthy boundary to protect myself and maintaining a safe distance so that there is less friction

Purpose and Work

- Meaning (4) Feeling abit lost in meaning of my work, and relying mostly on bodybuilding as the constant drive. However, next year I feel I definitely need to expand on my potential as a online personal trainer, starting an online business and creating social media content to create purpose and meaning on my life so that my main career can be a means to an end of earning income

- Financial growth (6) I have been investing this year but definitely not sufficient in the ways of making significant impact to my portfolio. Given the fluctuation of the market this year, growth has not been sizeable either. I have to focus more on savings and reducing expenses to create my wealth for investment next year. Less spending on unneccesary goods

- Creative expression (4) I have not created much of my own this year and that is an area I will need to work on. Content creation was something I shied away from as I was lazy and think too much, so I got to take on a more just do it approach to get things going, instead of endless pondering without action.

5. One primary focus per pillar

Emotional >>> Respond, communicate, not react

Physical >>> Carry a physique that reflects discipline and power

Love >>> Deepen affection, not just maintain it

Purpose >>> Build a brand that embodies my truth

9. The Year Theme

Endure, Execute, Become.

Accept hardship, take action, and let results follow

- Stoicism

- Masculinity

- Identity

10. My motto 

In 2026, I commit to becoming the man I respect.

I choose growth over comfort, truth over approval, and alignment over fear.

Even when it's hard, I will not abandon myself.

My 2026 Physique Competition

Instead of stage competition, I thought 2026 I want to do self-competition by consistently measuring myself against my own growth.

Key measures

• Every 2 months do a posing routine
• Ensure same lighting
• Same poses
• Front double biceps
• Front lat spread
• Side chest
• Side tricep
• Back double biceps
• Back lat spread
• Abdominal
• Relaxed
• Score (1-10) on:
• Muscular fullness
• Proportions
• Conditioning
• Posture and presence

• Every 2 months do a strength performance check
• Track max load, reps
• Bench press (barbell)
• Overhead press (barbell)
• Seated row (cable plated)
• Seated leg press (cable plated)
• Leg curl (cable plated)

• Biofeedback
• Track weekly and score (1-10):
• Resting heart rate
• Sleep quality
• Libido
• Training drive
• Joint health
• Mood stability

• Full audit for physique report card
• Body
• Weight range goal maintained
• Body measurements
• Photos comparison
• Performance
• Lift PRs
• Training volume
• Health
• Bloodwork
• Injury history
• Energy consistency

Seneca, Stoicism and Novo Amor

In his essay De Brevitate Vitae (On the Shortness of Life), Seneca emphasizes on impermanence and non-renewability nature of time, and how we squander most of our life in worthless pursuits. As part of his discussion on the impermanence of life, he makes one of his most famous remarks.

“So it is: we are not given a short life but we make it short, and we are not ill-supplied of it but wasteful of it.”

Seneca believed that we do not have short life; we just live unwisely and throughout his life, he preached about this ephemerality of time, and find the core causes that makes us believe that our time on earth passes too quickly. It could be pursuit of wealth or power; it could even be us offering our time to others or seeking validation from others. He states that by engaging in meaningful pursuits in our life, we stop putting off the true happiness in our life and thus can’t make the best out of each moment that we are given.

However, the so-called Stoic philosopher himself in his later years was the richest person in the Roman Empire. Most of the wealth he garnered came from his time as tutor/adviser to the future emperor Nero and his service to Nero after he came into power. He even defends the wealth accumulation along the Stoic lines by writing that properly earning and spending wealth is appropriate behavior in his essay De Vita Beata (On the Happiness of Life). Another question on Seneca’s character comes from his student and future emperor Nero. Nero is infamous in history as one of the most cruel, and deranged emperor, who would go on to set fire to the city of Rome; have his own mother as well as his tutor, Seneca murdered and eventually commit suicide. This further raises the concerns about Seneca’s own capability and his teachings on Stoicism.

Seneca’s forced suicide by Nero is also quite interesting. As Nero had narrowly escaped an assassination attempt, he pursued everyone he thought was involved in it out of spite. Nero was so alarmed and paranoid that he even began suspecting his close aides including Seneca. Although Seneca served in Nero’s government as his advisor; growing differences between them led to Seneca’s declining influence on Nero later, especially after Nero murdered his own mother. This eventually culminated into Nero alleging Seneca of involvement in conspiracy to assassinate him (which probably was just a suspicion). Due to his age and his diet, the blood loss was slow prolonging the suicide. His friends then carry him onto the hot bath to expedite the blood flow and his suicide to ease the pain, which is portrayed in the painting El Suicidio de Seneca (1871) by Manuel Sànchez. As an exemplary of the moral virtuousness even in the face of tyranny, he maintained his calm and composure, and faced his death with the same relentlessness and perseverance that he lived and preached throughout his life.

Press enter or click to view image in full size

His forced, painful and horrible suicide is where the modern day meaning of the word stoic, (i.e. emotionless) comes from and is misleading to the true philosophy of stoicism. Stoicism instead is about pursuing self-development, wisdom and perseverance to live a good life, an ethical life, and to achieve eudaimonia. So instead of referring to an emotionless person or one who is indifferent towards emotion, being a stoic is about not letting emotions cloud your judgement. It’s about controlling what you can in your life, instead of focusing on what you don’t have control over. As a stoic, you learn to distinguish between these events and aim to reach one’s greatest potential as a human being — either by acting, if you have control or through acceptance, if you don’t. In doing so, you tackle every events that you encounter in life with wisdom, temperance, justice and courage, and take them as learning opportunities rather than lamenting over what could have happened. With preachings of Stoicism, it is possible to make ourselves more wiser, more temperate and more ethical each day.

I stumbled upon this song titled ‘Seneca’ for the first time while I was trying to understand the stoicism sometimes two years back. Since then “Novo Amor” , the artist, has become one of my favorite artists. You could say that Novo Amor has become my novo amor recently. The song, as the title hints, emanates the stoic vibe. Perfectly capturing the dichotomy of what you can control in life and what you can’t, it takes you in a rollercoaster ride of the lyrics and music.

But the main question, as Novo Amor asks at the end of the song, is that when the situation gets bad and if you were given the chance, would you opt to trade space and escape or would you just face it like Seneca did with his forced suicide. And while you are choosing — remember that everything in life comes to an end and the only thing you can control is how you choose to react to all the things life throws at you!

https://medium.com/@ashutoshtimilsina/seneca-stoicism-and-novo-amor-6e7df01e0a7

Parental misalignment

My purpose is to build a strong body and a disciplined life, to live visibly and truthfully, and to become a reference point for others who are searching for strength and direction.

My parents do not support me on the mission and purpose and hence do not meet me at the level of authenticity, self-direction that I require. 

Distinctive needs I need to separate:

What needs CANNOT be met:

- validation of my identity

- emotional safety for my authentic self

- encouragement for my path

- mutual understanding

What needs CAN be met:

- basic civility

- limited contact

- practical cooperation

- logistical connection

How to move forward

- Stop seeking permission

        Instead of "Will they approve?" Think, "Is this aligned with who I am becoming?"

        Approval for growth is no longer necessary

- Reduce expectations

        Share less, Explain less, Defend nothing, Redirect conversations

        Full access is only for people who value it

- Create chosen reinforcement

        Partner, gym bros, friends, work mates

        Build environments that reinforce, not undermine

- Reframe what filial means

        Not about obedience, self-erasure, quiet resentfulness

        Its about stability, independence, respect without submission, distance

Masculinity and Body Hair Growth

Biological Masculinity

• Muscle mass (improved protein synthesis)
• Body fat distribution (improved insulin sensitivity and fat oxidation metabolism)
• Deeper voice 
• Facial and body hair
• Libido (improved desire, erections)
• Hemoglobin oxygen capacity

Behavioral Masculinity

• Leadership
• Risk-taking
• Assertiveness
• Stoicism
• Competitiveness
• Confidence

Body Hair Routine

- Topical Minoxidil 1ml twice a day

- Oral Minoxidil 20mg once a day

- Derma Rolling (once a week 0.5 mm)

- Head massage (3-5 minutes daily)

- Supplements

Biotin            2.5-5          mg/day

Zinc               25-40         mg/day

Magnesium   300-400     mg/day

Vitamin D3   2000-5000 IU/day

Omega-3       2-3              g/day

Updates on my upped cycle

I started on the TRT+ cycle (250mg 11 weeks, 300mg 8 weeks, 350mg 8 weeks, 400mg 8 weeks, 450mg 8 weeks, 500mg 8 weeks), and right now I've just begun on the 250mg first phase.

Its not been 2 weeks and side effects start to flare up. 

Firsly, its the acne on my phase its escalated and I used tretinoin hoping it will clear up, it did clear up but my face started to peel really badly. 

Secondly, my chest suddenly had a profileration of bumpy pores, and I have no idea whether its acne or heat rash. Pray hard that it is heat rash so it will go away soon but it has been a full week the rash is still there. I went to PURE fitness last week and used their dry fit attire and their sauna room for 15min daily and I'm thinking that might have caused the heat rash to appear. What might be worse is if its fungal acne then it will not go away on its own. The rash area is so itchy I kept scratching it and went to apply tretinoin on my chest area too which kinda made it worse.

Thirdly, my lower back has been taking a toll from squats. Now I cannot even squat any longer because for three consecutive mondays on squats legs day, I got a sudden onset of sharp pain on one of the last few reps while squatting 100kg (which is my normal weight). This week upon trying to squat again, the pain hit on the 6th rep and I knew I will not be squatting for some time. Laying on bed, sitting on sofa, walking around all makes me feel the pain in that area on my lower back. I hope its not a herniated disc and just a mild sprain.

Current other symptoms:

Muscle Mass - 4/5 workouts 7x a week, muscles been gaining well, weight at 92kg currently

Body Fat - 4.5/5 metabolism has increased, feel warm regularly, belly and FUPA much leaner

Libido - 2/5 inconsistent urge, sudden horniness for a week, and loses urge for a week, might need to try nofap, noporn. Some days ejaculation feels fantastic, sometimes it feels blank

Erections - 2/5 inconsistent morning wood, sexual erections irregular

Sleep Quality - 1/5 short sleeps and unconsciously have many wake up interruptions

Sleep Apnea - 3/5 good usage, getting better with adjustment, apnea remain low when used

Blood Markers - 4/5 blood test results show good liver/kidney/cancer/RBC results but cholesterol has remained bad

Feeling good again

I got out of the rut.

I have no idea how it started but looks like the DIM200 supplement did play a part. 

When I was feeling down, everything in my head was overwhelming me and making me feel heavy. Now I understand how a mental struggle feels. The external stressors around me have been the same, but my outlook toward the problem feels different. I think it has alot to do with hormones and chemicals in the body affecting how I perceive the stressors.

Past month, when I woke up, I would immediately feel shitty like the world was a dark place and I wanted to escape.

But all of a sudden this week, I feel a joyful glee when starting my day and going to the gym, heading to work, all while the stresses have not changed at all.

I think, all we can do is be grateful and appreciate each moment. Who knows what might happen next.

Sidenote, I am starting on a TRT+ cycle following Levi Conely's dosage for 50+ weeks. Hope it will help me bulk up to my much desired goal of 100kg (having been stuck at 90kg for the past forever).

I've also got to deal with the blood pressure issue. Just saw an article of a sports athlete who died from kidney failure and I realised the importance of keeping BP to below 130/80. Gonna start measuring my BP more proactively.

I think I need help with everything falling apart

I feel a sense of emptiness from anhedonia like nothing gives me joy. All areas of my life are crumbling and I am wondering is it one cause or multiple causes. 

Work - after other tasks are completed, now I have to deal with the Anti-Counterfeit project which has been something I don't enjoy and been putting aside all these while but now that I have nothing else to fall back on, its made me more anxious about dealing with this project. I think its the fear of not doing well enough given that theres so much emphasis placed on the launch of it, and I feel lonely handling this project alone getting sandwiched in the center between vendor and supplier. I also have some hesitance to work on this because it brings back my past trauma of working with Fitson which is no the supplier of Hegen because Fitson is my dad's company and I do not have any joy working with him when I do not have a good relationship with him. 

Family - its been a difficult situation all these while, with my emotions being up and down with regards to this. Through my life I have never felt loved by my father, and my mother doesn't resolve the feelings I have either. I wished we had conversations that are not about work, not about asking me to do house maintenance matters, or asking me to settle his problems. When we have a littlest of conversations, he would talk about politics, war and scams in the world, and it makes me feel really negatively when I get any conversation with him, which is why I have been avoiding and thats made me feel neglected. 

Partner - my relationship with Kenneth has been strained because of the lack of sex life together. I enjoy the emotional companionship but he sees it more as best friends who don't have sex. Our relationship is open and we meet others which has been me less sexually active with him. On another hand, I have been feeling unhappy about how he has never been supporting my attempts to try out new things, and it put out a fire in me. I wanted to grow long hair, to dye my hair blond, to try setting up a gay underwear business, to start a youtube channel but I don't feel supported for it, and the first feedback from him were usually negative, that I should not do it or should not try it because not everything in life needs to be tried. It goes against my principles because I feel that I want to try everything once in life at least before I know I like it or not. It has made me feel jaded at this point because I no longer have that fire to try. 

Health and Finances - lately I have spent alot of money on health checkups for my sleep apnea and consultations, buying a CPAP machine and doing HPV vaccinations and these have added up the financial costs significantly. I have asked my mom to assist with the costs but there was no response. I do have savings in investments but its something I do not want to touch because I went through a slippery slope in Covid period when i took out money from investments and started spending and quickly all my money just flowed away, but now my spending has been exceeding my monthly income so I feel worried. I wonder how do people have savings when I cannot even seem to save each month when my expenses exceed income. 

Friends - I've been feeling lonely even though I do have friends. I feel that nobody ever reaches out wanting to meet me but I have to be the one asking people if they want to hangout. The lack of interest often makes me feel rejected and lonelier. Its funny because when I do not try to reach out to anyone and just be happy by myself, I do not feel lonely. But when I am trying to meet friends and get rejected, or even when I am hanging out with friends and do not feel prioritised, I feel lonelier than when I am alone. Its like when I am down nobody really wants to hangout with me. 

Fitness - this is the only area I feel that I have some control over, as I recently revamped my workout routine from 4 days Bro Splits to 6 days Chris Bumstead's workout. Its not easy keeping up with the more days of workouts but it has also balanced the workload for each day, hence I feel that it is easier to accomplish the workouts. I feel more motivated pushing myself at the gym and I look forward to go to the gym because its my place of solitude. 

I want to get out of this rut but I do not know how to. It feels like a bubble burst last week and all of a sudden I become joyless. Before that I was still okay, fending off the negative emotions but now its like I no longer have the energy to feel good and I want to leave and quit and I'm stuck. 

Feeling like quitting

Relationship and Work

Both areas where I am not feeling too well

Relationship side of things, I don't feel that I can be truly myself. Over the past months I have been feeling unsupported and restricted in ways that I want to explore or try. I tried growing a beard / more body hair / ideas for business / ideas for side hustles / growing out my hair / try out new styles, and it has generally always been negative at the first sharing of my thoughts. Sometimes I feel that I am not heard because it will become filler conversations and change of topic. I know his work is busy, his work is purposeful and he has a clear idea of what he wants, and hence has a fixed preference of what he wants out of a partner. In that sense, I feel like I am incompatible because I have to compromise my aspirations or behaviour to suit what he prefers and thats just not being myself. My happiness is being hindered. I spent an evening hanging out with a friend recently and it felt so healing because we understand each other's aspiration for bodybuilding and interest to try new things.

Work side of things, I feel tired of doing the same thing again and again. I am no longer venturing on developing new systems but handling operational work which is boring down on my career satisfaction. Furthermore, I am handling on projects that I have to deal with Fitson (links to my father) which makes me not enjoy this job. What was once a joy to handle new projects now feels like a chore and I look forward to head to the gym each day, cant wait to leave work as time passes. Past few days the thought of quitting has been spiralling I want to take a change, though I'm not sure if its just a sudden feeling or something that would recur again. Hope to ride through this peak week else maybe something greater will happen.