你可以随意把猫送人吧。
但这就是我有时感觉和这个家庭不亲近的原因。总是说要爱护动物、照顾他人，但说到动物，表面上表现得很爱，但内心深处却觉得很麻烦。借口就是因为一些不方便而把它放走。
无所谓。
我们表达爱的方式不一样，这无所谓，没关系，总有一天我就能够过我自己的生活。
Turning 33
Today is my birthday - 33 years old. Ready to gommage.
What a time to be alive, I am content and happy and things look to be going fine in my life. I hope to have the peace continue to stay with me and may I bring myself to greater heights in fitness/ bodybuilding and personal endeavours of learning and career.
Mid year update
A few months have gone by quickly, and there have been changes in my life.
1. Weight has gained from 90kg to 95kg. Bulking cycle going well towards my ultimate goal of 100kg.
2. Stopped coaching cuz I realised I cannot give a god damn about helping or motivating other people to get their shit to the gym and do a workout. I can advise people but I really dislike having to push people to get things done especially those guys who signed up for my coaching (4 to be exact), were not exactly the motivated types so there was no joy from my end seeing their lack of compliance week to week.
3. Been 3.5 months in on my test cycle of 500mg. 1.5 months to go until Mid-August when the cycle comes to an end.
4. Recent new interest of learning Chinese and I have a good routine going where I make myself go through 1 chinese article on Lianhe Zaobao or related news channels and write down words I don't know and craft a sentence in chinese from it. My Chinese has gone to shit so its about god damn time I get myself back to it. The China trip in March was a wake up call when I felt that I could not communicate properly with Chinese counterparts to express myself even in the simplest of words.
5. Work was abit of a drag previously but I am recently started on designing the revamp of the brand website and then has allowed me to get in my flow state quite well as I really enjoy designing the website. In comparison I really hated dealing with people's shit and liaising on a project I cannot give a fuck about aka the anti-counterfeit project.
6. Socially, I have been reclusive and stayed out of instagram mostly not because I did not want to doomscroll but because there was no joy in doing so, but I find myself being on reddit alot more nowadays reading random shit pots of topics that interest me. I haven't made any new gay friends or straight friends but it seems like theres one or two potential friendships coming up but I have a feeling its going to end up becoming one of those that end up being a fun buddy. Thats the tragedy of gay friendships.
7. Libido doing great, albeit dependence on Viagra is strong. When I take it, I truly feel like a god. Topping feels like a breeze on it.
8. Past few weeks I went on a whole impulsive train of urge to purchase something expensive, started from wanting treadmills in my balcony, then went on to having to have a glass curtain / ziptrak to cover the balcony from rain to protect the treadmill, and then I rejected that idea and considered getting an arcade machine instead but tested it and hated it so went on to the idea of a pinball machine which was exceedingly expensive at SGD17k. Pulled myself out of the impulse dopamine hit, no doubt without incurring a hit on my wallet from spending SGD250 on a stupid toxic PS5 game Dead by Daylight because I wanted only legendary skins but only to realise I suck at the game. Then after all this, I went back full circle to decide not to buy anything and stick to what I have existingly which is to focus on my unfinished Ghost of Yotei game.
What an interesting few months it has been. Next months are gonna be the slogging months to lay low and stay on track for my bodybuilding goal before end of the year comes and the whole holiday mood starts again. THAT IS ALSO BECAUSE GTA VI is coming on November 19, AND TOMORROWLAND THAILAND is happening in Dec, so those are exciting times I am looking forward to.
Starting Online PT - Exciting New Chapter
Have kickstarted my online coaching program and proud to capture 3 clients for a start. This was very surprising to me given that I just out of the blue decided to throw out a hook "DM me for coaching" on Instagram while doing a day of QnAs. This was a very good turn out for me as I had zero expectations for it at first.
Now that I have three clients who have faith in my coaching, I am starting to set up a clear structure to put forth programs and check ins for my clients.
There were some hiccups for the beginning where I was not sure which software or tool to use for tracking and had to do a swift migration from Everfit to Kahunas. Did a quick onboarding with the software and chose to invest in the software USD35 a month but I feel its a good choice as it can help me scale up to more clients (up to 25).
The onboarding process was surprisingly smooth given that I felt anxious initially on how to provide the best service offering and gain the potential client's buy-in but it was surprisingly easy as they were already in on the coaching program.
From this experience, my takeaway is that my Instagram account and content acts as a strong hook to garner clients and with strong content creation it will naturally bring clients in to me. I am excited for generating more client leads over time. After all, 3 clients is already a mega positive outcome for me.
---
Tools
(1) Communication - Whatsapp chat / Whatsapp video
(2) Programming Tool - Kahunas
(3) Payments Subscription - Stripe
Structure
- Client Intake form
- Workout Program
- Nutrition Program
- Weekly Check-ins
- Progress Photo
- Supplement, Cardio, Goals
- Body Metrics
I am hard again
It has been well two weeks since the last thought and I must say my libido has returned. It is stronger than ever and morning wood is back.
25mg test per day works wonders for me now. I feel good.
My only gripe is that I have to pin my butt or my shoulder daily and I'm worried it causes scarring or thickening of the skin.
Honestly, I feel like a beast again, having the urge to breed. Some days it can even become uncomfortable when the pressure builds up too high and its not released. Or when I am sleeping and get a random unsolicited hard on which wakes me up. It feels good not gonna lie but its a different kind of annoyance.
When I lost my libido for a month last month due to lowering of dose, it was complete numbness and zero appetite for sex at all. I would look at porn or think of sex but there was no reaction in me at all. Now I do get a hard on and I think its a good problem to have.
I am glad that daily test pinning is working for me.
I mean my body dysmorphia is always there but my weight has been remaining the same, if not heavier than before, but I feel like I shrunk a little (in my mind) from my previous mini blast of 300mg per week. Now its 175mg per week.
I initially intended to go on a full blast this year of testosterone but having gone through the illness and bad symptoms in January, I decide that I will stick to daily pins of 25mg for this year to maintain and see how far I can grow from this low dose. If it works, then I am glad I managed to pull through physique transformation and bulk with such a low dose.
Libido is gone
I switched to daily injections because I read that its better to reduce fluctuations by making more frequent injections of lower dose.
My current dosage is 0.1ml per day = 25mg test per day (175mg per week)
Previously when I was doing twice a week injections at 175mg week total, I felt really good but yet now when I lowered it down to daily injections, I feel like my urge for sex and strength of erections is at its ultimate low.
Without blood test I will not be able to identify what the root cause is but I am guessing that the change from twice weekly injections (250mg total weekly) down to daily injections (175mg total weekly) has resulted in my testosterone levels plummeting to a lower level and estradiol still taking some time before it comes down.
I am going to observe for a few more weeks and hope that my primal urge comes back.
I was so into topping previously but now with the lack of erections and libido, I find that I switched my mindset to a more bottom mentality where being the passive receiver feels 'easier'.
Back when I was hornier, topping interested me more because the breeder mindset gave me a much stronger urge to fuck, while there was no urge to bottom because it felt 'uncomfortable'.
Hopefully things change and I'll get back my primal mode soon.
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