I am Hans : March 2024

I'm glad to be alive

Few times in our lives do we experience life-or-death moments that we see our life flashing past us.

Yesterday I experienced it from a neck-cracking incident that happened at the barber. It was at the end of my haircut at my usual barber (although a different guy), when he held my skull in both hands and did a sudden jerking movement to the right to crack the spine. At that moment, I was stunned and did not know how to react because I would have thought he would ask me for consent before doing that. He went on to do the neck crack in the other direction. When that finished, I felt really uncomfortable and t started I began to feel angry inside. I did not confront him because I thought it might be his usual practice. But in my mind, I was fuming with anger knowing that I could have been paralyzed by this dangerous maneuver. I was worried that something might happen to me, not right away, but some time later, as I read articles of people who had neck cracks and subsequently required mechanical breathing support for the rest of their lives because their diaphragm stopped working. phrenic nerve damage, loss of breathing function.

I never liked any of these 'chiropractic adjustments' because I never once believed in any of that shit. "Releasing muscle tightness", "Readjusting the joints" and all that bullshit. The act of having your neck twisted has far too many risks - vertebral artery dissection, brain damage from carotid artery blockage, and cervical spine damage.

Today I woke up, and as I did not feel any discomfort, I felt grateful that I was alive and well. We seldom stop to think that life is precious and pause to appreciate the gift of life we are given. I'm just glad that nothing went wrong.

Falling in love with running

As a bodybuilder (not a professional one mind you), I’ve generally been hesitant to run. I perceived running as a burden on my gains at the gym, as my goal is to get as big as possible (95kg, 15% bf).

I began seeing YouTube videos of Braden Wuerch, Nick Bare, Marcus Hunt and other athletes who included running in their weekly routine, and yet they could still look impressively huge. I wondered how they kept up their swole physiques while still running with good endurance. Tbh, I believe they supplement their lifestyle with TRT to hasten recovery and maintain muscle growth. However, despite that, I’m not discounting the hard work that they put in to maintain this high-intensity lifestyle.

Recently, I started to enforce twice-weekly runs to keep my cardio health at bay, and to improve my breathing and endurance. I want to stay strong for Spartan Race and IPPT which I do annually. As I continued this routine and got better at running, my mindset began to shift and I modified my fitness approach to one that is Hybrid (aka. A Hybrid Athlete trains like a CrossFit athlete to lift heavy and run far at the same time, having the functional strength and endurance of a military Spartan).

Over time, I noticed that running provided me more benefits than I thought:

Running is a form of active meditation - As I run, I feel a sense of freedom as I clear my mind of all thoughts. The solitude is slightly different from lifting at the gym, where I'm stationary and in my thoughts. Running allows me to absolutely clear my mind from thoughts and allows me to have a refresher for the day.
Running is an active recovery from the exertion of lifting - With an increased heart rate from running, muscle recovery is improved as there is better circulation of blood to my muscles. Given that I do heavy squats every day that I work out at the gym (five days a week), doing runs helps to keep the muscles mobile and active.
Running is like an adventure, while lifting is like my routine - When I lift in the gym, I go into my own 'zone' and work on the weights by myself. As I work at it repeatedly, I strive for progressive overload and work my muscles to failure. Running is different, in the sense that it gives me a fresh view of the outdoors, with the dynamic surroundings changing each time I'm out there. Be it a different path, or a different location, every run gives me a fresh environment to discover.
Running is social, but lifting is personal - This last one might just apply to me only. I do not gym with other people (sharing benches / working on the same sets/reps). To me, lifting is a personal endeavour because we have our own levels of weights to push at and the exercises we do are tailored to our own preferences. Running, on the other hand, is easily a social activity as we can invite any friend along to run together and adjust our pace accordingly to the group. After all, a good run is about being the fastest. I'm not here to run and beat my running PRs. Running is an activity of consistency and mental perseverance.

I shall continue this weekly routine and keep up at running.

Got my 2nd testosterone jab

I took my 2nd testosterone jab (Nebido) at 5.5 weeks since my first jab,

The feeling after meeting my doctor was not that great and it got me thinking about whether I want to either stop doing TRT or do the Bangkok method of purchasing off the shelf at the pharmacy (New Medicine at 68 Suriya Wong, Bang Rak, Bangkok 10500, Thailand).

When I met my doctor, I updated him on the experiences I felt through the 5.5 weeks, libido and energy peaked in weeks 2-3 and slowly subsided until then. I then asked him several questions that I prepared beforehand:

I shared my concerns about micro-embolism due to the large dose of 4ml in one go. He said that he always aspirates and ensures to inject slowly to avoid this. At the same time, I felt that my question offended him, as though I was questioning his competency of injecting as a doctor.
I highlighted that I had asthmatic symptoms of breathing difficulties in the week 2-3 and he assured me that it was nothing to do with TRT. I then also mentioned that I had a hematoma on the injection site after the first day of my jab and got a calf cramp on that leg. He said that it happens and is nothing to worry about, DVT does occur but it's rare.
I then shared with him about the low symptoms I experienced again on week 5 and asked if he is okay to be flexible with the cycle duration as compared to the standard one. The standard he was willing to give was 8 weeks but in case I might need it earlier due to symptom recurrence would he be willing? On this part, he was adamant that the shortest he would go is 2 months (8 weeks) regardless of symptoms. He then told me that if I wanted a different cycle, feel free to go see another doctor or specialist. I felt that he was slightly dismissive at this moment, and he was doubting me for using TRT as a means of bodybuilding muscle growth. He said that amongst all his patients, I am the only one who is in my 30s, all other men he sees are in their 40s and 50s and want to supercharge their health and fitness. This part made me doubt myself whether I should be doing TRT or not. Because I did feel the lack of libido and weak erections before I started it but Cialis did help improve those symptoms. In terms of energy, I did feel an improvement when on TRT but it wasn't life-changing or anything, I still had to push myself mentally to get things done.
My final question to him was whether he would write a prescription for me just in case he is not around when I need my jab and I can get it duly at any medical provider. This question sort of offended him because he said he did not understand the question, and that his clinic is open 7 days a week and even if he wasn't around there would be someone to stand by. I'm not sure what made him defensive but my concern was just that I would be tied down to coming back to him every 2 months.

Overall, now that I am on my second jab, I have started to think about the long-term financial impact that TRT will have on my life. $400 every 2 months + blood tests + consultation. Would it be financially feasible for me to do this long-term? What if I use the alternative Bangkok pharmacy method. I fly there every 3-6 months to purchase new supplies.

The gym life has stuck with me till this day

I have been thinking about how my commitment to working out at the gym has remained all these years since I was 15. That makes it a total of 15 years of working out by myself at the gym (I am 30 now).

When I was younger, my parents would frown on me attending the gym. They gave reasons that it would stunt my growth and I would not get good influences at the gym. I believe they had a perceived idea of the gym as a homoerotic place or a place that delinquents or lowlifes would go to. I don't blame them given that they come from a completely different generation from my own. Back then, I would go to the gym at Jurong Country Club (while my parents wished I had played golf with them there). I felt super intimidated by the guys there because they were all muscly and strong. In school, my classmates were in CCAs like swimming, rugby, tennis etc. while I was more committed to the gym. Sidenote: ngl but my draw to the gym was largely also due to my attraction to masculinity and hot men and during that period of my life I was exploring my sexuality, buying Muscle & Fitness / FLEX magazines to admire the great physiques of men. I wanted to be like them. To fit in.

Now as I look back at those classmates who were once really fit from the sports CCAs they were in, and compare them to where they are today in terms of fitness, I can see a stark difference in how they are now. Many have given up fitness to slog it out with work and family. They have beer bellies smoke their health away at nightclubs, and reduced their need for walking significantly ever since they got their own family/sports car. That is how society builds a man to be, but I am glad I did not fall into that cog in the wheel. Fitness and bodybuilding in the gym kept me committed to living a healthy lifestyle.

Today, even though family and friends do not outright tell me that they admire my commitment to the gym, their awe and envy of my physique and my daily routine signal to me that I am doing great.

The gym is much more than just building muscle, strength, cardiovascular health, stamina, and flexibility, it is also:

A sanctuary from the stress of work and a busy life
A ritual of discipline and effort
A promise kept to my future self toward a healthier ageing and a better quality of life
Something I keep in control amid a world that feels out of control
A daily dose of emotional well-being
A process, a journey, a way of life

Week 5 on Testosterone

Now I am 5 weeks into my first testosterone jab and I have noticed some changes in my behaviour.

This week I had a slight downturn in my energy levels and moodiness has returned. There was more inertia in me to get to the gym and the weight that I lift in the gym felt heavier than before. It could be insufficient sleep (<7 hours per day) as a result of several nighttime events that occurred for me this week, breaking my strict routine of 9:30pm-5:30am sleep. Or it could be that I did more runs than usual, causing me to have delayed onset muscle fatigue.

I continued to push myself hard at the gym and I am glad that I completed a full week despite the huge drag. There were 2 days out of 5 training days that I really did not feel like stepping into the gym, and my body was telling me to take a rest and call it off. But my mind pushed through and I got to the gym, sustained through the toughest sets at the start and finished my routine without missing any exercise. In that, I am proud of myself.

I like that I am prioritising workouts first thing in the morning on weekdays because it places the importance and emphasis that fitness has in my life. I make sure that I clear them when I am fully recharged early in the day before I carry on with my life with a sense of accomplishment.

It's one week to go before I get my booster jab for nebido, I will continue to work hard and make the best out of this.

Go for it

It might be the magic number 30 or just the self-awareness that I am halfway through my health span (i.e. the highest age with good QOL and free from disease).

But in the last 6 months, I have observed changes in the way I approach life. Just six months ago, I was still playing the computer daily on Elder Scrolls Online, logging my daily quests and watching YouTube videos on how to obtain the seasonable rewards from the game.

Then at the turn of the new year, I took action to revamp my fitness and made the decision to check on my health. That was when TRT happened and it was also this time that I began to change my lifestyle quite drastically.

I started working out in the morning, changing my workout environment and I freed myself from being encapsulated by people who were dreadful about life and had a low drive for the joys that life offers. I made sure to surround myself with people who are driven and exude boldness for a purposeful life.

I was going through a tumultuous time last year, emotionally. It could be that my hormones were just not attuned properly or that my mid-life existential crisis had come up, but I was having deep internal conflicts in my career and family relationships. I was not talking to my dad and I hated him for not acknowledging anything that I do. My career felt stagnant and I was not making any personal progress. I decided to take a step out of my comfort zone and take the six-certificate program to boost my career CV, which just ended a few weeks back with the final and most difficult PMP exam.

Fast forward six months, and I feel really good about myself now. I made the decision to go on TRT to optimise my testosterone levels and to keep my emotions in check. Having stronger willpower, energy and drive to push myself to do greater things, I feel a sense of accomplishment for myself more than ever. The year ahead is still a shroud of uncertainty but I am sure that I am ready to take the leap of faith. I feel powerful in my endeavours for fitness, in my career opportunities, in my mindset and in the relationships that I nurture with me.

Just earlier last week, I spontaneously agreed to go for a run with my manager without making any plans for it. He told me he was going to run and asked if I wanted to join, and voila we went ahead for a run in the nature park. This experience got me thinking about how we should just seize an opportunity when it arises and just go for it. Don't overthink things. I observe that men with stronger masculine energy portray this behaviour of carpe diem. Go for it, seize the day and make the best out of what comes out of it. After the run, I felt so good, even though it was just a simple run, but deep down, the sense of accomplishment for pushing through the effortful activity and enjoying time with good camaraderie, made the experience feel purposeful and meaningful.

Questions for my TRT doctor

Does he aspirate the needle before injecting nebido? On the first night after the jab, I had a hematoma on my right butt cheek (dispersion of redness around injection site without pain) and subsequently that night my right leg got a cramp on the calf at night. My left butt cheek was fine and didn’t get any issues.
Is it normal that I had asthma on the 3/4th week. For a few days, I had somewhat of a difficulty breathing to my max capacity and breathing was more laborious. I also had phlegmy cough for that week. I can’t attribute it to any specific factors as it could be: dust in my room, high humidity from rainy weather, or actually pulmonary embolism from the injection.
Will he be flexible to do a 6-8 weeks interval to prevent the long tail drop off in testosterone in standard protocol. I’m worried that I might encounter low testosterone symptoms if the interval drags too long into 10-12 weeks. And I don’t want to have to wait and suffer through the low troughs just because of the standard protocol duration.
What happens if my doctor is not around during my new jab date? Will he prescribe me for testosterone nebido so that I can get the jab from any medical provider?
Should I be concerned for my hematocrit levels? Given the increased red blood cells, should I do a regular blood donation?
I have snoring issue during sleep. Should I be concerned if I have sleep apnea from this?