I tried pumping for the first time

It was scary as hell putting my junk into the pump device. And using the hand pump to squeeze out the liquids time gave me fear as I could feel the suction pulling on my groin. It was such an interesting experience training my junk to superphysiological levels and I am excited to do this every day as part of my self-improvement masculinity journey. So much so that I even bought a 2nd pump right away (HydroExtreme5) to try a fit that was closer to my size.

I bought a Penis Enlargement Pump

I've been deliberating about this for a while. I'm sure many men will feel insecure about their penis size and for me especially I feel even more insecure given that my penis isn't super sensitive to begin with.

Earlier on in my life at 20 years old, I made the impulsive decision to get a circumcision because my foreskin was too tight. Pulling back the skin hurt and this meant that I had a difficult time enjoying sex. Hence, I just went to a doctor and got a circumcision surgery as quickly as possible. There was some trauma due to my penis getting an erection post-surgery and it tore apart the stitches. There was a lot of blood and my penis had some scarring after that. I think this was the reason why my penis became less sensitive to this day, making my erections go away rather quickly.

Sex with my partner and hookups have consisted mainly of me being the bottom but I feel that I enjoy topping as well but I just cannot perform it. Still, unfortunately, my penile issue has resulted in my becoming a bottom. I have to constantly provide physical stimulation or my penis will get soft easily. If foreplay takes too long, or if I take just a little while longer to put on a condom, my penis will go soft and it no longer gets back hard again.

I went on TRT since the start of this year and as much as it has helped me in my emotional wellbeing, physical hypertrophy and androgenic hormonal effects, I have not felt much improvement in my sexual performance when it comes to doing the deed. I do get close to an 80% rate of morning wood occurrence but I don't feel like I have an increased libido, and neither do I feel like my erections are harder or longer lasting.

Hence I decided to purchase my very first penis pump and I went for the Bathmate HydroExtreme Wide Boy 7". I am going to start practising daily 3 rounds of 5 minutes pump sessions and hopefully it will increase sensitivity and length + girth gains.

More updates to come once the HydroExtreme gets shipped over to me!

Contentment and Gratitude

This week, I attended a 2-day leadership course and it taught me a lot. There were many key ideas for learning as a leader managing teams at the workplace, handling conflicts and providing recognition to others. And from this, I have learnt that it is important we do not be afraid of giving praise to others. In fact, we should make it an innate habit to consciously give others our positive recognition of them. Nowadays, especially in Asian societies like Singapore, we live our daily lives having lots of expectations of people and take for granted what others do for us. It is only when things go bad that we start coming up with opinions and leaving bad reviews. This is a common trait seen every day in Singapore.

One thing I took away most from this course was that to be a better leader, you first have to find balance in yourself. We must be able to exhibit contentment in our lives and be able to extend gratitude in all manners of our everyday routine. It is at this level of zen that we let go of our insecurities and be able to find inner happiness.

I have been comparing myself in terms of financial success as I turned 30 to other people, but I failed to realise that I am already quite well-to-do. Maybe not in the financial sense, but to be able to do what I enjoy, excelling in fitness and be the best physique I possibly can achieve. Having beautiful relationships with the people around me. Having the peace and safety to go about my life without worry. I have a lot to be thankful for.

I hope to make this blog my gratitude journal and live life to its fullest. I'm here for a good time, not a long time.

Appreciation, Inspiration, Realization

Over the weekend, I had the chance to have a simple lunch with the family and it was in such moments that I feel truly blessed. I am glad that I pushed through for it to happen.

Last week, I was in a dilemma as I could not figure out what everyone wanted to eat. I was half wanting to cancel the whole lunch as I could not think of a place that would meet everyone's preference and still be able to be booked. Then I stumbled onto AIR CCCC which was this interesting new farm-to-table concept that I saw on the news, so I wanted to give it a try. Emailed them and managed to book a table at the last minute.

Came the day we met up and had lunch. The funny thing was, the restaurant itself was really mediocre and did not live up to my hype. The service staff was pathetically lacking in hospitality and the food was of a level closer to 'farm' than 'fine'. Despite the lack of ambience, it was a good opportunity for the family to catch up on my belated birthday.

What stood out most for me was that Kenneth was finally eating out with my family. This means a lot especially since we are gay and for my parents to accept us eating together in public shows that they are accepting and proud of us as we are. For the past three years, Kenneth has only eaten with my family over at my sister's place.

My sister was sharing with me about how she planned to have a lunch gathering with her family and her son wanted to bring along his girlfriend, but my sis felt that it was too soon for such an occasion to eat out together with her yet, as it has only been a few months of them together. And this showed me how eating out as a family was a significant milestone for me and Kenneth (well at least for my family, since Kenneth's family ate out with me from the very beginning of our relationship).

I'm appreciative of this very moment of my life when things are going relatively peacefully and I hope to take this chance to strive for bigger things in the upcoming months for myself, professionally in my career and individually in my personal aspirations.

TRT Adjustment: 175mg per week

I think I might have found a comfortable dosage for my TRT. I adjusted from 200mg down a little to 175mg and it made me feel less 'congested' internally. Congested in the sense of being more alert and awake and having better sleep and better breathing. 

I noticed that just a slight change in dosage allowed me to experience a consistent morning tumescence every single day without fail. On the side, I have also been taking Cialis when needed for sexual occasions but on average I feel that I have become more attuned to the optimal male testosterone levels. 

My nipples no longer feel hard or itchy, due to the heightened Estrogen levels from Testosterone conversion. But I definitely noticed an increased level of libido and horniness, since I have been nutting regularly for the past week. One downside I have is that the pimples on my forehead have left some darkened pigmentation spots and they don't seem to ever go away. Hopefully, with time my skin will heal and go back to its previous luster.

Rekindling a connection

It has been three weeks since the family lunch on June 16, when my parents and sister's family came together to have a formal lunch and get together in an external location. For the most part of the lunch, it was us having conversations and we had a round-robin-styled sharing to keep everyone involved, where a question was asked, like "what are you most thankful for in the past year", and everyone shared 1 thought.

So this went on until toward the end of lunch when my sister highlighted an observation to my dad saying that he constantly looked at my nephew, who was sitting next to me, and that was a sign that he was trying to speak out to me. Me and my dad I had a situation that had been going on since I was a kid but got significantly worse when I came out 5 years ago. The tipping point was during the midst of Covid when I cut off acknowledging him and speaking to him because I felt that he was not respecting me as a person, and more so worsened by the fact that he still had his expectations of how I should be - a heterosexual son bringing home a wife to continue the family line. And I think those years separated us widely. Perhaps it was during those times as well that gave him the time to come to terms with accepting my homosexuality and my partner.

Regardless, back to the lunch, my sister said why not let this very occasion restart the father-son relationship and start afresh. We can forget about the past and begin a new chapter.

So since then, over several weeks, I started to put in more effort to acknowledge my dad and speak one or two sentences to him. At the same time, I also noticed that he tried to carry conversation with me. Sometimes I disagree with him, but I put that aside and do my best to speak to him.

After watching How To Make Millions Before Granda Dies with my parents over the weekend, I thought it was also a reminder that parents are not around forever, and they may not be perfect but we can do our best to embrace what little they offer us before they're no longer around. After all, he may not have been there for me physically as I was growing up, but he worked hard to provide for the family financially. And that is enough.

Titrating down my dose to 200mg

It has been 3 full weeks since I ran 250mg of testosterone, and before that, it was 200mg for two weeks, and 150mg for 2 weeks.

My intention was to push the limits of my body to see how much testosterone would benefit me. However, it was a well-discussed knowledge that as you increase the testosterone dosage, the side effects may start to outweigh the benefits. And that was what happened to me after these three weeks. In my mind it was just a measly increase of 50mg so what impact could that have, but the reality was that acne started to appear on my face and back and it all came rapidly. My forehead is now dotted with early-stage pimples and I know that if I continue on this dose, my face will start to show pus-filled cystic acne, and hence I have to stop fast. 

I have been facing trouble waking up in the morning and I have no idea if the dosage has to do with it. I would dedicatedly sleep 8 hours from 9pm to 5am but then get stuck in bed and snooze for the next two more hours until 7am. I did not have this issue previously, and I feel that my body tells me I need the extra rest to recover. Understandably I have been working hard at the gym ever since I started TRT and improvements have been observed in my lifting volume, but I hardly think that the little bit of increase in volume can cause such a tremendous impact on my sleep needs.

I mean aside from the sleep issue and acne problem, I am really thankful for TRT giving me glorious erections and libido that were never before seen for a long long time since my teens, and giving me great pumps at the gym. But right now I have to find the right dosage for myself. I have to admit I was tempted to increase my dosage due to the success stories shared on Reddit for guys who built amazing physiques out of their cycles, but I think I have to look at it long-term. TRT is a lifelong commitment for me and Derek MPMD states the appropriate dosage of TRT is within 100mg to 200mg. There's this bodybuilder I've been seeing on IG lately "kilograms.and.k9s" and he says he takes only 200mg weekly but god damn his physique is of a Greek god I wish I'd achieve when I'm his age.

For myself, I shall observe the effects of 200mg for the next few weeks and if things don't look up for my skin, then I might drop back down to 150mg even. I think the range between 150 to 200mg is a fair range.

Anti-Inflammatory Diet

Now that I am doing 250mg (split into 2 shots per week), I have noticed that acne pimples are starting to increase in numbers in areas that are higher in androgen activity - back, shoulders, forehead and temples.

Such a burden to get acne but now my dick is working super well and I am getting morning wood every single day, sometimes even getting awoken by it lol. You get some, you lose some. I am also a little more lethargic in the morning but I don't want to conveniently point fingers at TRT to be the issue for now, as I think stress and other factors might be causing those sleepy symptoms.

And so to deal with acne, I have decided to lay out some plans in my diet choice from now on to try and tackle the growing issue:

• Reduce sugar intake and eat foods low in glycemic index to prevent sudden spikes in blood sugar levels. 
• Avoid inflammatory foods such as milk and dairy products, highly processed foods, and sweet sugary drinks
• Supplement with fish oil daily

I am planning to run this 250mg (split into 2 shots) dose for 12-16 weeks at least as I don't want to keep changing my protocol up and down causing even more hormonal fluctuations as a result. Hope things will look better in a few weeks.

Mindset of gratitude

This week has been tougher than usual as I had to adjust to my daily tasks without my helper at home. She has gone home for 3 weeks to be with her family and in this time, there will be no one else but my mom and I to handle the household chores and take care of my dog.

The first few days were especially tough as I had to adjust myself and get mentally used to the change in habits at home. Things were placed differently and I had to handle some chores independently. Then, I had to walk my dog twice daily to ensure he was well-fed. My biggest fear was that my parents did not close the door properly and let my dog run out of the house as it has happened several times in the past but my helper was fortunately at home.

Monday to Wednesday was hard as I could not let go of the idea of leaving Latte (my dog) at home with my parents as the worst-case scenario just kept playing back in my head. My anxiety was at its peak levels and it somehow affected my appetite, causing me to not feel like eating and have a general sense of ennui.

Thursday things got better as I trusted my mom to handle the house herself and things played out uneventfully which was good (no news means good news). 

Today (Friday), I feel much better and have a generally improved sense of wellbeing as I completed the whole week's workout routine. I was surprised as I did not have any mood to workout at the start of the week. Things will work out eventually when you push through. Surprisingly even to myself, I woke up diligently at 5am to walk my dog (without snoozing!) completed my household duties by 6am and headed off to the gym. Got my gym session completed and attended work promptly without having to WFH.

Despite the difficulty of waking up early and getting things done on the get-go, I felt so grateful that I can experience life and be able to be alive. I am grateful for being healthy and having two strong legs to get me going about my day. I am grateful to have relationships with people I love and for the people around me. I am thankful.

Two more weeks to go for this and I am confident I will make it through and grow from this. Even though it might seem like a non-issue to others that my helper is not around and I have to become independent, but to me, the adjustments have made me stronger as a person.

Locked out of home

It was 7:30pm. I just finished my weekly run around the neighbourhood and ordered food delivery, chicken cutlets with boiled potatoes. The next three weeks were going to be tough on me so I wanted to quickly eat my dinner and get to bed. Hopped into the shower, prepared clothes for the next day, turned on the air-conditioning and waited for my food. 

At 8:00pm, the food delivery came. I heard my doorbell ring. So off I ran to open the door while still dressed in my underwear and t-shirt to get my food. My dog seeing me go off, followed behind me closely. My house has a gate so I exited my door, and headed for the gate. In the spur of the moment I forgot that the door was latched onto lock and since I wanted to stop my dog from running out, I closed the door behind me.

It was at that moment that it hit me - "oh shit I'm stuck"

I continued to pick up the food and the delivery guy quickly drove off without knowing what just happened. The first thought that came to my head was I had to contact my parents. But my phone was locked inside my house. Geez Louise, I started to panic and mumble to myself "Oh no oh no...what can I do...help me". No one could help. My dog looking curiously at me from behind the door, wagged his tail.

Soon the panicked state turned into anger, and I tried to bash through the door thinking that maybe if I could break the door down I could get through. That idea quickly turned futile. The strong wooden door held its place without yielding. My dog upon hearing the loud pounding on the door, disappeared into my home, possibly going to hide in my room, all confused. 

The outside heat began getting to me and I started sweating profusely. I sat down on the floor and checked on my food, thinking that I should just eat outside the door, knowing that there was not going to be any hope in the meantime until my parents came back home in an hour. I took out the food pack and looked for cutleries. There were none-. #@$^#^#@$%%$!#@!@#$. My head literally exploded in self-deprecating agony. No phone, no cutleries, no water - and I could have been comfortably sitting in my house with the nice cold aircon. My heartbeat was through the roof.

I saw a yoga mat being hung to dry and laid it on the floor. I sat down, with food next to me. I looked at the sky.

In this instance, it got me thinking about how beautiful this experience was. It was a hindrance but never would I have had the experience of sitting outside in the hot evening, sweating through my t-shirt, disconnected from the world, and eating dinner with my bare hands.

I smiled to myself, despite the frustration. Life sometimes has its odd ways of throwing these curveballs, and this was one of those moments to cherish. If the experience didn't happen, this post would not have existed. I gripped one large chicken cutlet between my fingers and took a bite.

There was a sense of peace in the solitude.

After finishing the meal, with one hand greasy with food, I leaned back on the yoga mat. I thought about the coming weeks and the challenges ahead. The night might have started with some unexpected chaos, but it ended with a nice calmness. About some time later at 9pm, my parent's car appeared and they opened the door for me to get back into my home. I returned back to normal life again.