I am Hans

Living

Just thinking that several of my childhood fans have already passed. What would they be doing if they were still around?

- Chester Bennington (Linkin Park)

- Tim Bergling (Avicii)

- Matthew Perry (Chandler Bing)

Trying to understand why I have zero relationship with my father. Not only do we not talk, I also cannot put myself in a situation where I am alone with him or I will just leave and walk off. And sometimes when destructive thoughts get really bad or after he says something that I feel really hurt about, I just wish he’s not around any longer.

This issue stemmed from my childhood where he will lecture me about life but never sought to hear me out or listen to a word I have to say. Then came my coming out journey, when I came out to him and from then on we never spoke again.

Is it the role of the adult child to reach out to the parent or it’s the parent’s duty to communicate and take initiative. I wonder that at times because I would think is it my fault that we are not talking. Perhaps so.

Some of the deep-rooted issues I identified:

Unresolved Conflicts or Trauma: This is a major one for me since on many occasions he made me feel inadequate. I once bought durians for the family and instead of gratitude, he remarked that what I bought was not as good as what my sister gets. Same thing when I bought for my mom a massage chair and he said that was a cheap massage chair not the expensive and good one like what my sister has. And what took the bag was, I was struggling at work working for him, and one day I asked him for help because I felt lost and overwhelmed. He brushed me off, saying that he doesn’t want to talk about it. I immediately quit and left the family business following that.
Communication Issues: Communication went from little to none very quickly in the year that I came out to him. There was a lack of emotional expression which often leads to escalating thoughts that this person is not my father because there is no love at all. The problem also comes in his indirect communication via others towards me. He would tell my mother that he expects me to be straight but never tell it straight to my face. Often times he would one-up me in whatever I do, maybe because of his male ego. Like using the tv remote, he will not ask me how to use it but just takes it himself. Which that to me is fine, but there are instances where I feel utterly disrespected. Like when I was planning for a family trip and did a travel itinerary. He didn’t acknowledge my effort and simply just used chatgpt and pasted an itinerary in the group chat like as though his is better than mine. Again, not a single word of acknowledgement of my effort.
Personality Clashes: Our age gap certainly led to a difference in our personalities and cultural background. We have a 44 year age gap between us and the way he sees things is traditional and can be very different from how I see things. He is very pro-Chinese is the way he thinks, expecting traditional family values.
Expectations and Pressure: There’s this expectation from him toward me to be a straight man having a wife and bearing children for him to pass down the family name. He doesn’t see me for my achievements but merely just think of me as a carrier to continue to blood line. Too bad then because I’m gay. No Chans for you.

Never in my life have I heard a word of thank you, or appreciation or emotional connection from him. The relationship we have now is just an outcome of that - unmet expectations and failed communication.

Sauna Sessions

Really happy with myself today for ending the week with a completed workout routine, which was a deep surprise to me because this week I was having terrible stiff neck pain and was struggling with some personal mindset struggles about work and life in general. I’m glad I made it, small wins and I’m grateful.

So I was reading about Andrew Huberman’s guide to muscle building using heat therapy and I attempted it over the weekend. The idea is that you stay in a sauna and repeat in 3-5 times, cooling yourself off in between. I did infrared sauna and stayed for cycles of 15 minutes each, which to me were quite a challenge since I have a really high metabolism and I sweat profusely in the sauna room.

I think the best thing I got out of this was not the muscle building aspect that Andrew Huberman recommended, but the mental feeling of euphoria and brighter thoughts. Something to do with dynorphin and endorphin release, where dynorphin gives the feeling of agitation and discomfort while in the sauna, and then endorphin takes over after the sauna to make us feel euphoric and relieved.

Which makes me think, we’ve got to struggle and feel pain in life to be able to enjoy. It’s simply life’s balancing equation. A core memory of my days in army cropped up, where we would have a really tough day lugging our weapons and backpacks to do shooting drills up a hill, all while under the sweltering hot sun. I would be dripping wet underneath my army long fours each time, and when we got a chance to rest under a shaded tree finally, the sheer sense of relief and euphoria was so immense. Little comforts like a shaded tree where we would never bat an eye for, turns out to become such a relief. That’s the same feeling I got again after doing the heated sessions in the sauna.

Shall pull through the coming weeks maintaining the tips that Andrew Huberman shares and make the weeks to come mindful and meaningful. He’s really such a good mentor to my life and I appreciate him for it.

Routine

Making changes, the first step is to look within and set out a plan for the routines I will take on a daily/weekly basis. I am summarising Andrew Huberman's routine and tailoring it to my own benefit:

Daily Routine:

Waking Up - Wake up between the time of 5:00am to 6:00am and stick to that rhythm. To achieve that, aim to sleep from 9:00pm to 10:00pm

Hydration - Drink 2 glasses of water first thing in the morning, instead of picking up the mobile phone to doom scroll on social media.

Blended Greens - Early in the day, blend a cup of fruits and vegetables (cucumber, apple, celery, banana, spinach, berries, carrot, nuts or whatever)

Sun Exposure - Head out as soon as possible in the daytime and get 10 minutes of sunlight while walking to generate visual optic flow (walk outside or to work in the morning, as soon as possible)

Caffeine - Consume coffee 2 hours after waking up for adenosine regulation, after getting sunlight and movement. Stop caffeine intake after 2pm STRICTLY.

Meal - Eat a strong low-carb meal packed with fruits and vegetables, STRICTLY NO fried foods, NO raw foods, NO processed foods.

Intermittent Fasting - Eating meals within the 11:00 am to 7:00 pm window and fasting outside of that time, only taking supplements outside of that time.

Dim Warm Lighting - Switch to candlelight or warm lights at night and stay away from phone and computer screens before sleeping

Reading - Do bedtime reading, between 10-30 minutes to relax the mind and get into a state of rest

Supplementation - Daily supplementation stack containing multivitamins, fish oil, zinc, saw palmetto, stinging nettle, pumpkin seed oil, lycopene, maca, ashwagandha, tongkat ali and biotin

Protein Shake - Contains whey protein, collagen peptides protein and creatine

Weekly Routine:

Hypertrophy Training - Shoulders, Arms, Chest, Back with Legs and Abs every session keeping within 1.5 hours each session with total sets of 16-20 and total reps of 8-12 (total of 4-5 workout days per week)

Cardiovascular Training - Running or High-Intensity Interval Training (twice a week)

Contrast Therapy - Cycling between heat exposure via sauna/onsen (15 mins), then cold exposure by ice bath (3 mins), and repeat back and forth for 3-5 times (once a week)

Physiologic Sighs - Taking two consecutive inhales (first inhale and second pull more inhale) and then one full exhale and do this deliberate slow breathing for about 5 minutes

Active Recuperation - Ensure every day of the week meets fitness and health criteria as a means of active recovery. Varying between hypertrophy workouts (4x a week), cardiovascular training (2x a week) and

Non-Sleep Deep Rest - Practice Yoga Nidra for 10 mins each night lying down and making a mindful scan of all parts of the body and imagine sinking and relaxing into the earth

An acronym NEWSTART to help keep at it:

nutrition, exercise, water, sunlight, temperament, air, rest, tenacity

Will I feel fulfilled

There is this struggle of deciding between continuing working in the business with my family or get a job out there and paving my own career direction.

If I were to stay and climb the ladder in the family business, will I feel more fulfilled and content with myself? The reason why I am thinking to leave now is because I don't feel that personal growth and fulfilment, to the point that I’m like an empty shell serving the expectations of others than myself. And worse still, I don’t feel any recognition from the very people I’m serving, so even if I rise up the career ladder in my family business, would I feel any better? It’s a difficult choice and one that is further complicated by the strained relationship (or the lack of any) with my dad. Like how we don’t talk at home and he puts up a facade to others like we’re good. I think that’s a key reason why I need to leave. I must.

All these pent up feelings are calling out to me to take action. Just like back then when I had my first break up with a woman and then subsequently a first breakup with a man (funny isn’t it). That drove me to take action in my life to pull myself together and put shit tons of effort into reclaiming my fitness and physique.

I’ve got to take action for myself now, only now it’s for career and personal development.

New Year 2024

I’m excited for this year as a whole new set of challenges has been set out in my new year resolutions.

Woke up first day of the year next to Kenneth and we’ll have breakfast with his parents. That’s a great start to the year. I feel so welcomed by his family it almost feels like this is what my family is like, in contrast to my own family whom we don’t really talk if at all.

For my resolutions this year, here’s a few key things I want to achieve this year among the Personal Development stuffs.

Take video editing in my own hands and take it seriously for real. Don’t keep procrastinating that it’s a skill that someone else will teach, that I got to attend some class or watch some YouTube video to be adequate. Just make them and don’t care if it’s bad. Grow from there.

Do something about my career. Don’t compare with others but compare internally, am I growing in this job. If I’m not, then move. It’s nothing to do with being paid better yada yada because it’s about self worth and value. Am I growing or stagnant? Make a change and take action if recognition doesn’t come.

Good health and fitness and a good looking body feels excellent, so do lots of that. Morning workouts are challenging but it’s fun, and the feeling of having completed it feels the very best. I’m glad I started the habit of exercise in the morning but I must keep the morning workout momentum and train to be an athlete, achieving for myself fitness challenges (IPPT, Spartan, Hyrox) that come up in the year.

And lastly, it’s time to get out of my bubble. Go on the apps and talk to people, make friends, don’t be afraid to meet people for coffee. Talk to strangers, have wholesome conversations, learn what others have to offer.

This scenery

いつか
Someday

この景色が
this scenery

思い出に変わるその時
will turn into a memory

貴方は何を覚えていたいですか
What do you want to remember?

私は貴方を覚えていたい
I want to remember you

この先もずっと
Forever

ずっと
And ever

Constant

I've always thought about this.

Having a constant in life is crucial to keep us motivated.

My constant has always been fitness and I noticed a trend then when I let myself become lazy from working out, which essentially makes me lose my 'constant', I become a wreck physically and emotionally as well in other areas of my life.

I had a perfect streak for my fitness this year, consistently getting 4x and even 5x per week of gym sessions over several weeks, as recorded on my Strength app. And the end of the year I had some sudden emotional downturn due to a struggle with my career direction and suddenly I just lost the motivation to work out too and that anhedonia somehow just spilled over into my life not wanting to do anything at all.

A lot of it is in my head, and the moment I managed to drag myself out of that hole, I became good again. It's like this 'constant' of mine is a measure of my current state of wellbeing in life.

I changed to wake up in the morning and do workouts first thing early in the morning. 'Eat the Frog' concept as they call it, to do the most challenging task first thing in the day. It has been a wonderful change for me, after the first few days which were really a drag.

If there is anything you're not happy with, find a way to make a change. The only constant is change.