Trying to understand why I have zero relationship with my father. Not only do we not talk, I also cannot put myself in a situation where I am alone with him or I will just leave and walk off. And sometimes when destructive thoughts get really bad or after he says something that I feel really hurt about, I just wish he’s not around any longer.
This issue stemmed from my childhood where he will lecture me about life but never sought to hear me out or listen to a word I have to say. Then came my coming out journey, when I came out to him and from then on we never spoke again.
Is it the role of the adult child to reach out to the parent or it’s the parent’s duty to communicate and take initiative. I wonder that at times because I would think is it my fault that we are not talking. Perhaps so.
Some of the deep-rooted issues I identified:
- Unresolved Conflicts or Trauma: This is a major one for me since on many occasions he made me feel inadequate. I once bought durians for the family and instead of gratitude, he remarked that what I bought was not as good as what my sister gets. Same thing when I bought for my mom a massage chair and he said that was a cheap massage chair not the expensive and good one like what my sister has. And what took the bag was, I was struggling at work working for him, and one day I asked him for help because I felt lost and overwhelmed. He brushed me off, saying that he doesn’t want to talk about it. I immediately quit and left the family business following that.
- Communication Issues: Communication went from little to none very quickly in the year that I came out to him. There was a lack of emotional expression which often leads to escalating thoughts that this person is not my father because there is no love at all. The problem also comes in his indirect communication via others towards me. He would tell my mother that he expects me to be straight but never tell it straight to my face. Often times he would one-up me in whatever I do, maybe because of his male ego. Like using the tv remote, he will not ask me how to use it but just takes it himself. Which that to me is fine, but there are instances where I feel utterly disrespected. Like when I was planning for a family trip and did a travel itinerary. He didn’t acknowledge my effort and simply just used chatgpt and pasted an itinerary in the group chat like as though his is better than mine. Again, not a single word of acknowledgement of my effort.
- Personality Clashes: Our age gap certainly led to a difference in our personalities and cultural background. We have a 44 year age gap between us and the way he sees things is traditional and can be very different from how I see things. He is very pro-Chinese is the way he thinks, expecting traditional family values.
- Expectations and Pressure: There’s this expectation from him toward me to be a straight man having a wife and bearing children for him to pass down the family name. He doesn’t see me for my achievements but merely just think of me as a carrier to continue to blood line. Too bad then because I’m gay. No Chans for you.