Frustration in my relationship

So its happening again, now he is having issue with me growing out my hair into a tied up manbun. The last time it was me dyeing my hair blonde.

This feeling of control over what I can do for myself is really putting a toll on me and I am rethinking of even wanting to be in a relationship. What am I in a relationship for? To support one another to bring out the best and support one another in what we like. Right now, I feel that I have to satisfy what he prefers is right. This is the reason why I do not share information with him transparently all the time.

I told him I will be meeting guys I met from the pool party for dinner and he got somewhat upset about it by bringing up about how he felt during the pool party when those guys were not reciprocating attention to him. However, before I brought up this whole dinner thing, he has repeatedly told me he was fine with it.

Today at the gym as I changed back into my used gym attire, I got reminded again about how he would repeatedly command me to shower and/or wash my hands with soap after the gym, and it was a sense of liberation as I just changed back into what I felt convenient and went home to shower instead.

Why is something as seemingly trivial as my haircut or hair colour such a big issue for him and in turn a trigger for me when he remarks to ask me when would I be cutting off my long hair. Its like I don't feel loved and supported, and I feel that I do not impose such things on him.

Its been coming up time and again and the thought of just breaking up and being by myself has been growing stronger and stronger even though in front of him I have been telling him that I love him.

What am I willing to give in?

He tells me that what I do with my hairstyle is not just a me decision but an us decision because I am in a relatiosnhip. This just makes me want to be single all the more. Because I feel like I do not have my own space and my own freedom to look how I want. As simple as that.
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New badminton group

Joined my friends for badminton yesterday and it was a great experience. Its been awhile hanging out in a social activity setting and I gotta try and get my social skills up and running again. Idk but the feeling of joining a rather new group of people in an activit feels kinda intimidating especially when there's all the banter, and I don't wanna seem standoffish by being quiet and in a corner so I participate and laugh and smile but then sometimes I become part of the banter then I don't know how to hit back at the conversation. Its just something I gotta learn and do better I guess but all this aside the badminton event was nice, given its a bunch of us gays playing badminton so its a healthy social activity. Really look forward to making it a regular one for myself since its good to keep myself active with a sport on top of my routine muscle building and fitness training in the gym alone. I met a past date whom now looks to have glowed up and living his best life, so I feel really happy for him and we even played as badminton match partners. Its a nice feeling that even though life went separate ways but somehow as you meet again, that person looks to have even more charisma now and it makes them so attractive, but not in the I wanna fuck him kinda way. Its nice to see people leveling up after 5 years, having seen their former selves. Anyway, times are pretty good lately, just life going by and nothing fancy. I wanna fix my sleep issue because thats the main problem I'm facing currently as I am unable to sleep well, and I get really tired during the middle of the day and at night I become wide awake for some reason. Scheduled a sleep study test in two weeks time so thats good. And I'm heading to China this weekend for a work trip so looking forward to that too!

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Birthday month - the gift of friendships

I've been feeling fuzzy and warm these past few days. This year, I feel truly blessed to have found a group of gay friends — something I never thought I needed before. But now, it's become a kind of identity, a safe space where I feel seen, understood, and like I finally belong.

Looking back, I realise I’ve never really had friends who were consistently there. My straight friends were always kind, but often preoccupied — wrapped up in their own lives, relationships, and priorities. I was usually the one initiating catch-ups, while they devoted most of their time to their girlfriends, and friendships took a back seat. I was used to it.

With my gay friends, though, it’s different. It feels refreshing. We travel together, make time for activities, and show up for each other — even with our busy, adult schedules. It’s a kind of chosen family I didn’t know I was missing, and I’m really grateful for it.

As I turn 32, I want to keep investing in myself — physically, aesthetically, and mentally — and keep striving toward greater heights. I’m determined not to let anything hold me back from living the life I truly want, even if the obstacle is someone I love.

Lately, my relationship has been going through a rough patch. I’ve been feeling restricted, like parts of me are being held back. There are differences in our perspectives and the directions we want to take in life. And while I still care deeply, I’ve come to realise that if it doesn’t work out, I’d rather be single and free to live life on my own terms.

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Dopamine Reset: A month of degen gaming

It’s been a month since I bought the PS5 and I’ve played several full length games. Gosh time just flew by so quickly after playing console gaming like the good old days but now it feels so degen. Having completed FF7 Remake, It Takes Two and now Baldur’s Gate 3, I feel like I gotta stop cuz all my other areas in life are being compromised.

Most importantly, Hyrox is coming up in two weeks and I haven’t been training hard. Bodybuilding has taken a back seat these few weeks and I’ve not been progressing my physique and body weight toward the 100kg goal.

Now I have to put the PS5 on the back of my mind and prioritize career and fitness cuz this month is gonna be one helluva intense month. How should I do it?

- dopamine reset: no gaming, no social media, no porn and no junk food for a week to focus on lower stimulation but long term rewarding activities 

- gym: get back to 4 sessions a week then progress to 5 sessions including leg workout days

- sleep: prioritize sleep for 9 hours

- eat well: protein focused diet to feel good from within

- move daily: take outdoor walks daily without any phone use

- take cold showers: challenge myself to take cold showers once a day

- calm music: listen to slow and soothing music

- meditation: take moments to reflect and reconnect with my self


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Hyper-masculinity

 How to max out my aesthetics and presence in the bodybuilding and gay muscle scene?

  • Physique and Physical Training
    • Goal: Achieve 100kg
    • Method:
      • Training: Progressive Overload and Hypertrophy Training
      • Setup: 8-12 reps, 4-5 sets, 4-5 exercises
      • Exercises: Focus on the big compound movements
        • Shoulders: Overhead Press
        • Arms: Bicep Curl and Tricep Pressdown
        • Chest: Bench Press
        • Back: Rows
        • Legs: Squats
      • Nutrition: Surplus calories and a healthy diet
      • Supplement: Protein, Creatine, Omega3, Multivitamin
      • Underground: Testosterone, Cialis
      • Rest: Quality 8 hours rest
      • Fat: Stay lean at 10-15% body fat percentage
  • Looksmaxxing
    • Jawline: Enhance jawline and cheekbones
      • Focus on chewing hard foods and reducing body fat
    • Beard: Keep a neatly groomed beard at 20mm trim length
      • Use Minoxidil twice daily
      • Derma Rolling twice weekly
    • Hair: Invest in a good haircut with a nice fade
      • Short, structured, slicked back haircut works
    • Skin: Daily skincare routine at night
      • Aesop In Two Minds Cleanser - Salicylic Acid
      • Aesop Lucent Concentrate - Niacinamide
      • Aesop B & Tea Toner - Panthenol
      • Aesop SPF25 - Sunscreen
  • Attire
    • Gym attire: Stringer tank top with fitted shorts
    • Work attire: Black shirt and Black pants
    • Accessories: Black watch strap, Black framed glasses, Black socks
    • Signature Scent: Aesop Virere, Aesop Hwyl
  • Presence
    • Posture: Sitting and standing upright
    • Tone: Measured and deep tone
    • Movement: Measured and deliberate movements
    • Scene: Attend circuit parties and gay social events for networking
    • Social: Post content on Instagram and other fan-based platforms
    • Compete: Join fitness competitions (Hyrox solo)

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Push on for Bodybuilding

Now that I have been on 500mg of testosterone for a month, I'm starting to have a renewed drive for bodybuilding. It's as though the testosterone pushed my inner potential to a high limit and now I can finally push myself even harder to break the plateau I've been stuck on for so long. I plan to continue with this test cycle for 20 weeks until mid-May. So until then, I am going to go all out to push my physique. 

I have definitely seen some physical improvements since I started in January, as compared to the whole of last year where I was cruising on 250mg-300mg of testosterone and my physique barely changed. So I guess the preach for doing 500mg makes sense I guess?

My weight is now 88kg and I aim to push it upward to 95kg and 100kg even.



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Coming up with a brand idea

I just thought of selling apparels as a hobby on the side and see how that goes. The idea is that there is a growing fitness culture among the gay community, namely the bears and muscle bros and why not set up a brand that I identify with such that people can follow what I enjoy doing - bodybuilding, fitness, and the focus on masculinity.

Brand Name: Bear Beef

Instagram: bearbeefclub

Domain: bearbeef.com


Logo: BEAR BEEF

Keywords: Prime Beef, Muscle Bear, BEEF, BEAR, TESTOSTERONE, Bear Pump, Strong


Brand Story: Targetted towards the gay muscle bear community, camaraderie of men, imbuing the ethos of masculinity in gym culture


Themes: Inclusivity, Strength, Power, Masculinity


Product Line: labelled with BEEF, material cotton

- Gym Wear: Stringer Tank Top, Squat Shorts, Training Shorts, 

- Daily Wear: Tshirt,  Socks, Cap


Blog Content: Bodybuilding tips, Bodybuilding culture, etc

Fitness Coaching: for future consideration




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Kink of my own

I have this kink for myself - that I want to have hyper-masculine traits - muscularity, hairiness and virility - like that of a hairy beast.

How shall I go about to achieve this?

Minoxidil (twice daily) and Derma Rolling (twice weekly) to get the body hairs growing - Full Beard on chin, sideburn, moustache and neckline.

Blast and Cruise cycle through the year at 20 weeks on 10 weeks off. Blast at 400mg and Cruise at 200mg.

Cialis E3D for virile health
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Learning my way home

 With the new house, heading to office and heading back home is a complete new route but surprisingly the travel time is shorter than when I travelled from my old house.

To Office:

Cycle Downhill -> Park bike at bus stop -> 189 -> alight at AYE -> 97 or 963 (work / gym)


To Home:

166 -> alight at Clementi MRT -> 185 or 189 -> Ride bike home (56min)

OR

61 -> Ride bike home (48min)

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Resolutions of 2025

 Its the start of a new year and what a blast it had been the past year. I got PMP certified, I started on TRT, and I moved into a new house. The journey was full of ups and downs but in the end all the matters was that it completed.

I am excited for this year to be a whole new level of exciting as I turn 32. Setting for myself some goals to achieve, I would mainly like to reach 100kg, participate in Hyrox competition, and bring my relationship with Kenneth to the next chapter by getting engaged. These are some exciting achievements to come and it will take effort to work through whatever it takes.


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