I feel a sense of emptiness from anhedonia like nothing gives me joy. All areas of my life are crumbling and I am wondering is it one cause or multiple causes.
Work - after other tasks are completed, now I have to deal with the Anti-Counterfeit project which has been something I don't enjoy and been putting aside all these while but now that I have nothing else to fall back on, its made me more anxious about dealing with this project. I think its the fear of not doing well enough given that theres so much emphasis placed on the launch of it, and I feel lonely handling this project alone getting sandwiched in the center between vendor and supplier. I also have some hesitance to work on this because it brings back my past trauma of working with Fitson which is no the supplier of Hegen because Fitson is my dad's company and I do not have any joy working with him when I do not have a good relationship with him.
Family - its been a difficult situation all these while, with my emotions being up and down with regards to this. Through my life I have never felt loved by my father, and my mother doesn't resolve the feelings I have either. I wished we had conversations that are not about work, not about asking me to do house maintenance matters, or asking me to settle his problems. When we have a littlest of conversations, he would talk about politics, war and scams in the world, and it makes me feel really negatively when I get any conversation with him, which is why I have been avoiding and thats made me feel neglected.
Partner - my relationship with Kenneth has been strained because of the lack of sex life together. I enjoy the emotional companionship but he sees it more as best friends who don't have sex. Our relationship is open and we meet others which has been me less sexually active with him. On another hand, I have been feeling unhappy about how he has never been supporting my attempts to try out new things, and it put out a fire in me. I wanted to grow long hair, to dye my hair blond, to try setting up a gay underwear business, to start a youtube channel but I don't feel supported for it, and the first feedback from him were usually negative, that I should not do it or should not try it because not everything in life needs to be tried. It goes against my principles because I feel that I want to try everything once in life at least before I know I like it or not. It has made me feel jaded at this point because I no longer have that fire to try.
Health and Finances - lately I have spent alot of money on health checkups for my sleep apnea and consultations, buying a CPAP machine and doing HPV vaccinations and these have added up the financial costs significantly. I have asked my mom to assist with the costs but there was no response. I do have savings in investments but its something I do not want to touch because I went through a slippery slope in Covid period when i took out money from investments and started spending and quickly all my money just flowed away, but now my spending has been exceeding my monthly income so I feel worried. I wonder how do people have savings when I cannot even seem to save each month when my expenses exceed income.
Friends - I've been feeling lonely even though I do have friends. I feel that nobody ever reaches out wanting to meet me but I have to be the one asking people if they want to hangout. The lack of interest often makes me feel rejected and lonelier. Its funny because when I do not try to reach out to anyone and just be happy by myself, I do not feel lonely. But when I am trying to meet friends and get rejected, or even when I am hanging out with friends and do not feel prioritised, I feel lonelier than when I am alone. Its like when I am down nobody really wants to hangout with me.
Fitness - this is the only area I feel that I have some control over, as I recently revamped my workout routine from 4 days Bro Splits to 6 days Chris Bumstead's workout. Its not easy keeping up with the more days of workouts but it has also balanced the workload for each day, hence I feel that it is easier to accomplish the workouts. I feel more motivated pushing myself at the gym and I look forward to go to the gym because its my place of solitude.
I want to get out of this rut but I do not know how to. It feels like a bubble burst last week and all of a sudden I become joyless. Before that I was still okay, fending off the negative emotions but now its like I no longer have the energy to feel good and I want to leave and quit and I'm stuck.