Mindset of gratitude

This week has been tougher than usual as I had to adjust to my daily tasks without my helper at home. She has gone home for 3 weeks to be with her family and in this time, there will be no one else but my mom and I to handle the household chores and take care of my dog.

The first few days were especially tough as I had to adjust myself and get mentally used to the change in habits at home. Things were placed differently and I had to handle some chores independently. Then, I had to walk my dog twice daily to ensure he was well-fed. My biggest fear was that my parents did not close the door properly and let my dog run out of the house as it has happened several times in the past but my helper was fortunately at home.

Monday to Wednesday was hard as I could not let go of the idea of leaving Latte (my dog) at home with my parents as the worst-case scenario just kept playing back in my head. My anxiety was at its peak levels and it somehow affected my appetite, causing me to not feel like eating and have a general sense of ennui.

Thursday things got better as I trusted my mom to handle the house herself and things played out uneventfully which was good (no news means good news). 

Today (Friday), I feel much better and have a generally improved sense of wellbeing as I completed the whole week's workout routine. I was surprised as I did not have any mood to workout at the start of the week. Things will work out eventually when you push through. Surprisingly even to myself, I woke up diligently at 5am to walk my dog (without snoozing!) completed my household duties by 6am and headed off to the gym. Got my gym session completed and attended work promptly without having to WFH.

Despite the difficulty of waking up early and getting things done on the get-go, I felt so grateful that I can experience life and be able to be alive. I am grateful for being healthy and having two strong legs to get me going about my day. I am grateful to have relationships with people I love and for the people around me. I am thankful.

Two more weeks to go for this and I am confident I will make it through and grow from this. Even though it might seem like a non-issue to others that my helper is not around and I have to become independent, but to me, the adjustments have made me stronger as a person.

Locked out of home

It was 7:30pm. I just finished my weekly run around the neighbourhood and ordered food delivery, chicken cutlets with boiled potatoes. The next three weeks were going to be tough on me so I wanted to quickly eat my dinner and get to bed. Hopped into the shower, prepared clothes for the next day, turned on the air-conditioning and waited for my food. 

At 8:00pm, the food delivery came. I heard my doorbell ring. So off I ran to open the door while still dressed in my underwear and t-shirt to get my food. My dog seeing me go off, followed behind me closely. My house has a gate so I exited my door, and headed for the gate. In the spur of the moment I forgot that the door was latched onto lock and since I wanted to stop my dog from running out, I closed the door behind me.

It was at that moment that it hit me - "oh shit I'm stuck"

I continued to pick up the food and the delivery guy quickly drove off without knowing what just happened. The first thought that came to my head was I had to contact my parents. But my phone was locked inside my house. Geez Louise, I started to panic and mumble to myself "Oh no oh no...what can I do...help me". No one could help. My dog looking curiously at me from behind the door, wagged his tail.

Soon the panicked state turned into anger, and I tried to bash through the door thinking that maybe if I could break the door down I could get through. That idea quickly turned futile. The strong wooden door held its place without yielding. My dog upon hearing the loud pounding on the door, disappeared into my home, possibly going to hide in my room, all confused. 

The outside heat began getting to me and I started sweating profusely. I sat down on the floor and checked on my food, thinking that I should just eat outside the door, knowing that there was not going to be any hope in the meantime until my parents came back home in an hour. I took out the food pack and looked for cutleries. There were none-. #@$^#^#@$%%$!#@!@#$. My head literally exploded in self-deprecating agony. No phone, no cutleries, no water - and I could have been comfortably sitting in my house with the nice cold aircon. My heartbeat was through the roof.

I saw a yoga mat being hung to dry and laid it on the floor. I sat down, with food next to me. I looked at the sky.

In this instance, it got me thinking about how beautiful this experience was. It was a hindrance but never would I have had the experience of sitting outside in the hot evening, sweating through my t-shirt, disconnected from the world, and eating dinner with my bare hands.

I smiled to myself, despite the frustration. Life sometimes has its odd ways of throwing these curveballs, and this was one of those moments to cherish. If the experience didn't happen, this post would not have existed. I gripped one large chicken cutlet between my fingers and took a bite.

There was a sense of peace in the solitude.

After finishing the meal, with one hand greasy with food, I leaned back on the yoga mat. I thought about the coming weeks and the challenges ahead. The night might have started with some unexpected chaos, but it ended with a nice calmness. About some time later at 9pm, my parent's car appeared and they opened the door for me to get back into my home. I returned back to normal life again.

200mg or 250mg

I am on 200mg testosterone weekly (2 injections of 100mg each from 250mg/ml Test E solution i.e. 0.4ml each shot).

I have been considering whether I should step up to 250mg just as a round-off since the testosterone vials and ampoules I'm getting all come in 250mg/ml solutions so it's easier to just count by 1ml consumption per week.

Currently been my first week on weekly 200mg and I have felt much better than when I first started self-administering testosterone at 125mg. My libido and urges are back and my physical strength and energy have improved. This is a good sign that I should stay on a higher dosage of 200mg. A difference I noticed is that I have since started to get more red flushed skin around my neck area and my back. Several pimples have also appeared on my face and back but are still in manageable numbers. The energy was slightly low at the beginning of the dose but has since improved when I upped it. I might very well just up it to 250mg just to titrate up to a good number.

I just spent more bitcoins to acquire 5 more vials of testosterone. This should last me for a good 1+ year (assuming they're not bunk).

Bangkok Trip by myself

A trip initially planned for stocking up on supplies turned out to be a short getaway where I could run the day at my own pace and eat and gym as I wanted it to be.

I've always had in my mind the urge to make a trip to Bangkok to purchase some Testosterone supplies. This was before I got any supplies of my own at home and I was still considering the switch over from doctor-administered Nebido to my own. At that time, I was told by a friend that in Bangkok you can walk into any pharmacy (that displays whey protein across the storefront) and ask for testosterone and they will gladly assist. The price is around 250Baht for 1x 1ml ampoule of Testoviron Depot (pharma-grade) while UGL lab test E costs 1000B for 1x 10ml vial.

So the opportunity came when I stumbled onto affordable prices of air tickets and accommodation and I quickly snagged them up. It was simply too irresistible for a $170 round air ticket + $70 3D2N accommodation. I thought, if I had to do this every quarter of the year just to replenish my testosterone supplies, it would still be well more worth it than paying $400+ per month to a clinic just for a doctor to inject me with Nebido which is a severely underdosed form of testosterone (now that I understand about it).

Two months soon passed and in that time I grew more familiar with obtaining supplies of my own from online channels, which was much safer than carrying the vials across the border myself. Why risk any chance of getting questioned for bringing UGL into Singapore even though it is legal to bring in 3 month supply of testosterone. Having stocked 5 vials at home currently, I felt that I did not need any more for now.

Hence, I went ahead with the Bangkok trip with no clear plans instead. I told myself I would continue going about each day as normal by gymming and doing the cardio according to my weekly fitness schedule. I had cafe food and Japanese food all at reasonable prices while also taking Grab to and fro the gym. Since there was only 1 Anytime Fitness in the proximity of Bangkok city centre, I was forced to go to this branch, which unfortunately was not near any Metro/BTS station. Regardless, transport and food were affordable and I easily spent less than a day out in Singapore.

I was proud of myself for turning up on all three days at the gym while in Bangkok, completing my week's streak of gym sessions. At the same time, it made me feel accomplished and rejuvenated knowing that I travelled and did something healthy for myself. I might just consider doing this more often in the future - short trips to different cities for workouts and nutritious meals to recuperate my soul.

What I really enjoyed the most was that I could accomplish my daily workouts in my own sweet time and immerse myself in a different environment. There is just something really enjoyable about being in a foreign place taking in new sights and sounds. Because that healed a part of me after not having travelled for the past 6 months.

Looking forward to more trips this year and also, to a lifelong commitment to self-administered TRT

What’s my next goal

Professional Certifications (PMP and PowerBI) achieved, completed the Spartan Super 10k race and kickstarted my health and wellness by embarking on TRT within the first quarter of 2024. I am now thinking about what my next endeavour should be.

I have been down with a bout of diarrhoea today and took MC, and this feeling of being aimless and sick does not feel good. We humans need to have goals planned out to work toward something tangible at every moment of our lives.

TRT has been a wonderful experience by giving me the drive to get shit done. As they say, testosterone makes effort feel good. I have upped my dosage to a higher one at 200mg per week (split into 2 at 100mg Thu/Sun). At the same time, I also noticed that any unspent energy that wells up inside will turn into irritability. 

Laying in bed and lazing time away used to be a nice and comfy thing to do, but now it just makes me feel aimless and a waste of time. It's as though life is drifting by without meaning as I lay in bed, not making full use of my time out there doing something beneficial for my own life.

I've been pondering about what my next goal shall be. Understandably the month of May/June will be busy with weddings, but I'll have to set my path for the rest of the year.

Did Spartan 10k + Update on Self-administered TRT

Last weekend, I did the Spartan Super 10k and it was one helluva experience - accomplished the complete 10k without having any sheltered rest area under a blistering hot sun, obstacles that were more difficult than usual, and muddy and slippery grounds that made it terribly difficult to move forward without slipping. Some paths were inclined upwards / going downwards / slanted sideways off a slope, and at the same time had slippery soil, making it very tedious to get through.

Looking back, I did not enjoy the race as much as the one I did last year in Sentosa, Singapore simply because of the difficulty rating of this race due to the sweltering weather making it almost impossible to complete. If I were to do an obstacle course race again, it'd surely be in a cool weathered temperate country.

I am now exactly three weeks since the first time I started self-administering testosterone. Still trying to figure out what weekly mg would be optimal for me because I had times of good libido and moments where libido completely died off. Started off weekly 62.5mg x 2 initially but quickly within a week went up to 75mg x 2 and I have been keeping to that since. Libido did not substantially improve, as far as I know, I feel about the same in libido since I started on TRT. Erections did not get better, it was still roughly the same. It wasn't super fantastic like how people described it to be. Supplemented with Cialis(generic) and it got a little better.

Been contemplating if 100mg x 2 weekly would make my body react better. Might increase the dosage to that in a few weeks just to compare.